Metropol Masthead
bridgetjones_feature

Bridget is back: 13 times she was bang on about life 

Sarah Bown

Bridget Jones.

Otherwise known as the only slightly overweight English woman to successfully rock a playboy bunny outfit. Complete with tail. She’s been with us on the page and silver screen for almost two decades and taught us so much along the way.

How to start new resolutions. How to immediately break them. How to have terrible choice in men. Then how to drink the perfect amount to forgot said men and incidentally own address.

BridgetJones_9

We’ve wanted to date her. Be BFFs with her. Effectively be her.

She represents the epitome of the mid-thirties single. Stranded on a tightrope suspended between our lost wasted youth and the new age of ‘when did I become someone who cares about mortgage equity?’. She stands up for herself and is living (ok fictional) proof that you can wear the most ridiculously high underwear and still snag Hugh Grant. We kneel before thee and all the lessons she has to teach us.

In preparation for her to hit our screens again, this time with baby (and McDreamy) in tow, here’s 13 times Bridget Jones took the words out of our mouths. And was accurate AF about life.

For those times you wished you were a little more refined and a little less number one Australian Survivor fan

BridgetJones_1

“I will not go out every night but stay in and read books and listen to classical music. Go to gym three times a week not merely to buy sandwich”.

“Am going to ask everyone around for cocktails, perhaps Manhattans. Not sure what Manhattan is come to think of it. But could buy book of cocktails maybe. Probably won’t, to be perfectly honest. ”

For those years of dating where the amount you spent on preening is equal to the GDP of Guatemala

BridgetJones_3

“Completely exhausted by entire day of date preparation. Being a woman is worse than being a farmer – there is so much harvesting and crop spraying to be done.”

“Does anti-cellulite oil actually soak into the cellulite through the skin? In which case, if you put self-tanning lotion on does that mean you get suntanned cellulite inside? Or suntanned lymphatic drainage system?”

“Wise people will say Daniel should like me just as I am but I am a child of the Cosmopolitan culture and too many quizzes and know that neither my personality nor my body is up to it if left to its own devices”.

For those mornings after the night before 

BridgetJones_2

“Just triumphantly returned from heroic expedition to go downstairs for newspaper and a glass of water”.

“There’s nothing worse than people telling you you look tired. They might as well have done with it and say you look like five kinds of shit”.

For those days when you ate leftover Carbonara for breakfast. After an entree of iced Vovos

BridgetJones_5

“Aargh how could I have put on 3 pounds since the middle of the night?”

“Cannot help but wonder if was free to arrange own fat according to choice would I still wish to reduce the amount? Think would have huge big breasts and hips and tiny waist. But would there be too much fat to dispose of in this way? And where could one put the excess? Would it be bad to have fat feet or ears if the rest of one’s body was perfect?

For all those suffering from Monday-itis

“Hate Sunday night, feels like homework night”.

For all the single ladies 

BridgetJones_5

“Oh God I’m so lonely. An entire weekend stretching ahead with no one to love or have fun with. Anyway, I don’t care. I’ve got a lovely steamed ginger pudding from M&S to put in the microwave”.

On keeping a kept household 

“Oh God. Must put sheets on bed. Disgusting to sleep on uncomfortable button-studded mattress. Where are sheets though? Wish I had some food”.

On the art of gift giving

 

“Gift exchange was a nightmare. Always overcompensate for bad presents, yelping with delight, which means I get more and more horrid gifts each year”.

I’ll be front row next week, waiting for the release of Bridget’s newest escapades. No matter how bad your day is going it really can’t be anything BJ has not faced, or fallen over in the street and flashed her knickers at.

BridgetJones_10

Bless.

user

Sarah Bown

Sarah is fresh off the plane to Canberra and quickly realising she's not in Kansas anymore. She's a writer and marketing professional by day and spends her free time reading way too much self-help literature followed up by too much Pinot Gris. Sarah spent 2015 working in Mongolia sharing her marketing and communications skills with local organisations. Yes it was her choice, yes they have internet and no it's not next to Syria. She's in Canberra to write more, exercise more, meditate more and then proceed to do Option D: none of the above. Sarah shares more newbie tips, general hilarity and plenty of things to read while procrastinating doing actual work at www.facebook.com/signedbysez. More about the Author

Denman Gutter Leaderboard