Partnerships under COVID-19: acute stress and stronger bonds

Posted on 6 May, 2020

There’s a meme going around about marriage in the time of COVID-19.

“All you married people holding up OK? Haven’t seen ‘I’m so blessed’ or ‘He’s my everything’ in a while?”

Indeed, the shock of spending 24/7 in virtual lockdown has placed many normally solid couples in unfamiliar terrain. And many might be secretly wishing for isolation from each other.

Relationships Australia is a government-funded service which provides counselling, relationship and family support across the country.

Its Canberra office has recorded an increase in contact from Canberra couples suffering acute relationship stress in the last few weeks. Meanwhile, the mediation service has seen a definite spike from those seeking assistance through the process of separation.

Practice Lead Counsellor Paula Honeykats said there is never a slow time at the counselling service, but the move to self-isolation had presented challenges in terms of jumping from face-to-face to virtual counselling.

It has been a swift learning curve for the service’s 18 counsellors who are now operating Zoom or telephone sessions. “We have had to change the way we are delivering our sessions but people have been really grateful to access counselling at this time,” Paula noted.

“We have had couples where things have been a bit wobbly, but now they really need to talk to someone,” she said, which suggests marriage counselling might be a high-growth industry into the future.

There are numerous reasons normally happy couples may be finding themselves questioning their choice of life partners right now. Namely, according to Paula, most couples simply aren’t used to spending this much time together.

“These really are extraordinary times. Normally, people leave the house, they go to work, they have conversations and engagements with other people, and when they can’t get that, it may increase how much they need from their partners.”

“Adding to that is the stress of having children home at all times, and requiring support for their schooling, not to mention financial stress.”

Indeed, financial stress—the massive psychological impact of losing a job—is one of the main triggers for relationship breakdown.

Paula said many couples might also be experiencing discord because of the division of labour at home.

Again, it was not uncommon for couples to argue over who did the dishes or mopped the floors, but now both were at home, previous assumptions that the woman would do a larger share of cleaning up might be ripe for challenging.

“We often find that it is those fights about household tasks that are often triggers for deeper concerns in the relationship.”

Her advice for any couple who was finding isolation was bringing out the worst in each other was to try and communicate more effectively—and to remember that this is a new experience for absolutely everybody.

“It’s important to put in place strategies to ensure that each partner can get some time to themselves, that they are communicating with other support-givers, such as friends, and when the regular structure to life has disappeared that they are able to reset some boundaries around expectations. Also, it’s just really important for everyone to check in with their partners emotionally, because we are all in a state of uncertainty and heightened anxiety.”

And if home-life really is turning into World War III, counselling might be a wise option—so a neutral third party can provide some perspective and targeted coping strategies.

Meanwhile, if a complete breakdown in the relationship occurs, Relationships Australia is often the first point of contact for formal mediation through the Family Relationship centre, particularly when childcare arrangements need to be determined.

Julia is the Practice Manager for Post-Separation Services, and on Monday alone the service received 16 new inquiries on top of the already growing list.

“This is really not surprising given all the challenges families are facing at the moment,” she noted.

The Family Court has been very consistent with parents following court orders and seeking mediation if these arrangements fall down—if safe and appropriate to do so.

“COVID-19 has certainly created a higher level of anxiety around care arrangements and parents have to communicate better. It is not always easy, and we have had to manage our practice depending on the urgency of need around these arrangements.”

Julia said that while the service was already dealing with a huge demand, her hunch was that an even bigger surge in demand would come once the immediate crisis was over.

“The pressure on relationships at the moment is really tough, and just like we are seeing a spike in family violence, I would say we will see a spike in family breakdown…Some families are just holding it together at the moment because we are right in the middle of this crisis. They are basically hanging on until things improve.”

But it is not all bad news. While some relationship bonds are crumbling under the COVID-19 pressures, other relationships are becoming stronger for the experience.

According to Paula, “some relationships can really teeter when put into crisis, but some couples are finding that it can strengthen their bond…They can take a step back from all the usual life pressures and focus on more important things such as their partner and their children. For many, it has become a more simple time that has shown them what is really important.”

“Sometimes extreme circumstances can bring out the best in partnerships, leading to deeper communication and an increase in resilience…It’s not all bad news!”