Ask A Results Coach: The struggle of returning to work after maternity leave

Posted on 6 June, 2024

Returning to work after maternity leave can be a challenge – emotionally, physically and logistically.

Enter Alex Wright-Moore, a Results Coach (and new parent herself) who has kindly offered to answer some commonly asked questions she gets from clients—and share her knowledge with the HerCanberra audience.

Each month, Alex will explore some of the ways we can better understand what challenges us and empowers us to find solutions.

“I am struggling to balance motherhood with my career after returning to work from maternity leave. I feel like I am doing a terrible job at both and have taken too much on. How do people do this and stay sane?”

Maintaining a sense of career fulfilment and professional progress, while balancing the joys and responsibilities of parenthood, is no simple feat.

For generations, parents have been navigating this issue with varying degrees of success in the face of the key message that “our goal should be work-life balance”. But how do we achieve work-life balance, when the conventions of our time make this increasingly challenging?

In a post-COVID pandemic world, many of us now find ourselves faced with a professional expectation to be online and available at all hours – and increasingly working remotely from our homes. Undoubtedly, for some, remote work has created time-saving opportunities with reduced commuting and more flexibility to carry out daily commitments. However, it has also seen work encroach upon our personal spaces, entering the domains traditionally reserved for quality personal and family time.

The blurring of these lines has created a growing sense of disquiet about how exactly parents are meant to manage the expanding expectations of what should be achievable on “work time”, while simultaneously living up to the ever-evolving standards of modern-day parenting (see below). More often than not, trying to reconcile these two competing priorities can cause us a lot of stress and lead us to a place where breakdown is a little too close for comfort.

A snapshot of modern-day parenting expectations. Can you relate?  Photo credit: The Baby Chick, Elia Parsons.

I’d hazard a guess that many new parents who are juggling work and family life will find this month’s question relatable. I know I sure do! But there is comfort in knowing that we can take tangible steps to achieve a sense of balance and progress in our lives, during this season. Here are a few of them…

We can accept that becoming a parent is an opportunity to redefine who we are and what is important to us

Returning to work after becoming a parent is messy – not by intention, but purely by design. As humans, we are biologically programmed to work towards linear goals which help us to evolve. Yet, once we become parents, we often feel a need to enhance our ability to multitask, in order to survive.

This can result in us trying to be all things, to everyone, all at once and careening towards burnout town. And commonly, it is the gap between reality and our expectations that leads us here.

While most of us appreciate that parenthood will involve a veritable degree of life change, nothing can quite prepare us for the extent of the change. Similarly, the reality of daily life with a baby and/or small infants is something we only gain a true understanding of, when we’re deep in the trenches of it. With lived experience, we soon come to learn what we’re dealing with – and as with all things, time generally helps us to understand, stretch and grow in the direction required.

So, as we navigate the big life changes brought about by parenthood, it is important for us to recognise that our bodies, brains and hearts are simultaneously undergoing profound physical, mental and emotional transformation. In the words of neuroscientist, parent and doula, Greer Kirshenbaum, in The Nurture Revolution, “When we become parents our brains go through the dramatic transformation of matrescence to become mothers or patrescence to become fathers. As mothers, our brain changes throughout pregnancy and continues to change postpartum. Dad and partner brain changes then happen in the months postpartum. When we have a surrogate or adopt our brain will change postpartum too.”

“Every emotional brain area that developed in our infancy – like the hippocampus, amygdala and prefrontal cortex – becomes especially plastic again allowing dramatic rewiring of our stress systems, mental health and relationships… Parenthood, with a new brain, is a chance to listen to your intuition, your gut, your biology,” Kirshenbaum implores.

This process offers us a foundation to meaningfully change our lives – should we choose to accept it.

Kirshenbaum’s work provides us with scientific evidence that becoming a parent is an opportunity for us to reset who we’d like to be and reconnect with what we value most. If we allow it to be, parenting can also offer us a chance to liberate ourselves of what is no longer worth our time and energy, in favour of what is central to our belief system and the purpose we’d like to serve.

A big part of this when returning to work, is accepting that we need to give ourselves some grace as we learn to adjust to a new normal (both internally within ourselves and externally at work and at home). Perhaps this grace translates to us being gentler in our judgement of the state of our house, what is achievable in a day or what we can deliver and tolerate on reduced sleep.

So, what is the key takeaway here?

In the times when we find ourselves questioning our identity as parents, it is vital for us to remember that at any time of our choosing, we can redefine ourselves in a way that plays to our strengths, as opposed to our doubts. Furthermore, the social, biological and emotional changes brought about by parenthood can support us to reevaluate and recast our personal and professional worlds if we so choose.

For those looking for a little more, the tools available here, here and here can offer a sense of guidance and reassurance for anyone struggling with a sense of identity loss in motherhood. Similarly, for fathers, the supports available here and here and here can be life-changing.

We can harness tried and tested resources to help improve our quality of life

The other surefire way we can better navigate this period of life is by accessing the right strategies and resources to suit our personal situation. Here is a list with a proven track record of effectiveness that can be adapted to suit a wide range of personal circumstances.

If we want to get better at managing our time or feelings of overwhelm:

We can explore practical step-by-step systems to help us take back control of our time and our lives.

Admitting that we have room for improvement in how we manage our time and rejecting the ‘hustle culture’ that most of us fall into when navigating this season of life, is an effective way to reclaim our personal power and reduce our stress. For those looking for a place to start, New York Times best-selling author and entrepreneur, Marie Forleo, delivers an online Time Genius course with the power to change both our perspective and reality about time. Those looking for a taste of what to expect, can also check out Forleo’s free e-book here.

We can focus on building positive, self-affirming habits which help us feel less overwhelmed and more confident.

James Clear, author of modern day self-help bible, Atomic Habits, offers both wisdom and insight about how we can make incremental 1% improvements which help us get better at managing our lives and achieving our goals when we feel burnt out and time-poor. Testing out Clear’s system doesn’t require a full read of his book (which is nevertheless a great investment). Instead, Clear offers a free 30 Days To Better Habits challenge here, for anyone who is serious about engineering a change in their world. To hear more, listen below to what Clear has to say about the life-changing power of changing our small, everyday habits.

If we want to achieve a greater sense of balance and shared responsibility in our relationship with our partner:

We can look at the division of tasks and the ‘invisible work’ in our home lives and identify if something needs to change for it to be sustainable.

Referring to her own research indicating that women typically shoulder two thirds or more of the unpaid domestic work and childcare for their homes and families (regardless of whether they work outside the home) organisational management expert, Eve Rodsky, asks the simple yet profound question: What would happen if we treated our homes as our most important organisations? Rodsky’s book Fair Play, offers a life-management system that helps partners rebalance their domestic workload and reimagine their relationship so that we can all reclaim our “unicorn time” (aka, our space to develop the skills and passions that keep us vibrant), simultaneous to having parental responsibilities.

Interestingly, Rodsky surveyed more than 500 couples across the US to figure out WHAT the invisible work in a family actually is and HOW to get it done effectively – in a way that makes relationships even stronger. Rodsky also identifies the 100 main tasks in any partnership that are emotional labour and “invisible work” – and guides us in how to better divide those tasks fairly (not necessarily equally!), so that both parties contribute their share. Interested to learn more? Watch Rodsky’s video interview with Google here.

If we want to renegotiate expectations with our employer:

We can get familiar with our rights and entitlements so we can have an informed discussion with our workplace about our personal requirements when returning to work

Noting that it can be challenging to navigate returning to work, it is important to educate and equip ourselves with the knowledge required, to create an outcome where we are set up to thrive.

In Australia, we are fortunate to have National Employment Standards which outline core entitlements for parents when returning to work after a period of parental leave. These entitlements are described by the Fair Work Ombudsman here and here and often include the right to negotiate a degree of flexibility without losing our job. Furthermore, the Australian Breastfeeding Association has produced valuable guidance material for employees here. 

We can access workplace Employee Assistance Programs (EAP) for additional support (if available)

Many workplaces have EAP services that provide access to free professional counselling for employees and their immediate family members (ranging between 1-6 free sessions). Accessing this type of service can enable us with strategies to have discussions with our employer about managing work expectations and family commitments. For anyone unsure if their workplace has an EAP program, it is a good idea to proactively reach out to a Human Resources representative and ask.

We can reassess our expectations and meet ourselves where we are at

Finally, reassessing the expectations we have of ourselves and our capacity to commit to social, professional and personal endeavours when balancing work and parenthood, is not only necessary, but critical, if we seek to maintain our health and wellness.

It is also how we make strides towards overcoming the age-old conundrum of how we balance the rollercoaster of parenting, with the rest of life.

After becoming a parent, it is normal to question whether it’s possible to continue to strive for our personal dreams (and get enough of what we need as individuals), at the same time as meeting the ever-present needs of the dependants in our lives.

While there is no single recipe for how to do this, there are indeed concrete actions we can take to help ourselves struggle less – particularly when we’re returning to work.

To start with:

• We can accept that we will likely need to juggle less balls and be deliberate about engineering a shift in our load during the first few years of parenthood (wherever possible).
• We can renegotiate our definition of ‘success’, by sharpening our focus on a limited number of priorities/values in our lives and carving away any non-essentials (remembering that we aren’t necessarily saying goodbye to the non-essentials permanently, just for the time being).
• We can give ourselves permission to feel the hard feelings and grieve the loss of anything we loved, which may not be realistic for us to continue in the short-term.
• We can do our best to maintain a strong foothold on the basics required to sustain and replenish our body, mind and spirit to keep us healthy and hopeful in times of stress.

Of course, some of these actions are easier said than done… especially if we find ourselves only doing the essentials and still feeling overwhelmed – or if we are alone and still searching for ‘the village’ that we thought might help us raise our kids.

The key to navigating this with self-compassion is knowing that it’s okay to seek support when we are struggling and that it doesn’t mean we have failed as a parent or a professional.

For anyone looking for a good place to start, the Working Mumma Village is a welcoming space for mothers and serves as an online community which empowers mums to feel confident and capable while juggling motherhood and a career. Alternatively, Support for Fathers is an online hub run by Relationships Australia Victoria with a number of resources to empower dads in their parenting journey.

All in all, it is important to acknowledge that parenting can often feel like we’re climbing a steep mountain with a heavy pack on our back. This is not because our children are difficult, but simply because of the level of responsibility, energy and time that parenting entails. By its nature, it demands that we give so much of ourselves – especially when our babies are young – and can often feel all-consuming. So, naturally, when we then add work and life responsibilities to the mix, it almost feels like trying to climb the same mountain in icy conditions, with low visibility and sleet coming in sideways.

But the thing is, no matter the conditions, we still climb a mountain one step at a time… and our success in the face of adversity often comes down to our level of preparation, our available resources and our sheer determination to forge ahead. Accepting that we’re doing the best we can, being willing to seek support or start fresh tomorrow, and honouring ourselves for having the wherewithal to keep going – is how we make it through.

Be kind to yourselves in this season friends. It’s tough, but you’ve got this.

Photo credit: @stillchill.mindfulness.

The content in this article represents the individual ideas of the writer alone and outlines general advice only. It does not replace individual, independent or personal advice, mental health treatment and/or crisis support.

Coaching does not prevent, cure, or treat any mental health disorder and does not substitute for therapy from a licensed professional if necessary.

Should you require emergency crisis support, please contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or see your GP to discuss a mental health care plan which can help you access the support you need.

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