What White Ribbon Day means to someone who has suffered domestic violence

Posted on 23 November, 2018

Trigger warning: Domestic Violence

Today is White Ribbon Day – a day to raise awareness about all the women who have fallen victim to domestic violence at the hands of their partner.

It’s a day to show respect, to recognise and to remember. It’s a day to fight for change and to educate other people and it’s a day to highlight a woman’s right to live in a society free of abuse and violence.

But shouldn’t we doing these things every day? After all, every week in Australia a woman is killed at the hands of a current or former partner.

One in four women will suffer emotional abuse in a relationship and one in six women will experience physical violence by someone they love or once loved.

I am one of those women and I know one day of national recognition is not enough.

I became a victim of domestic violence when I was living my final year as a teenager. I was smart, I was ambitious and I had the rest of my life ahead of me.

It started as verbal abuse including name calling, swearing, mocking and undermining what I had to say.

Soon it became emotional as well. I was blamed for their actions, their decisions and their failures. I was threatened, I was accused and I was put down, eventually losing my sense of self-worth, of self-respect and my confidence.

The physical abuse came shortly after. Objects were thrown toward me and I was hit. Weapons were raised in front of my face and hands that I once trusted wrapped around my neck. There were holes in the walls of my home from an angry fist and an aggressive elbow.

I worried so much about what could happen next, I physically started to pull my hair out. I collapsed three times and was later told it was my body’s response to fear.

I was smart but I didn’t understand, I was ambitious but I lost all motivation, I had my whole life ahead of me but I couldn’t see past the next bout of abuse and so I fell into the same cycle – “I must deserve this”, “I’m not good enough”, “It’s all my fault”.

I was blinded. I believed it would end and I believed they would change, so the abuse continued for over a year and I continued smiling like nothing was wrong.

A handful of people knew the “secrets” of my home life but it took months before I could tell them. Once I did, they supported me, encouraged me and urged me to get out, but it took many more months before I was strong enough to do that – the best decision I ever made.

The first White Ribbon Day afterwards was a strange one. I broke down in my car, embarrassed that I was a victim of something so horrific and a friend reached out to tell me she loved me. But I didn’t see one person wearing a white ribbon. I didn’t hear anything on the news about what the day symbolises and another friend said they were sorry today would only remind me of my experience.

One of the aims of White Ribbon Day is to talk to men about how they can help women. But where is the platform to encourage women to tell their stories? Where is the advice for women or link to the justice system or law enforcement to promote consequences for actions?

Where is the outreach for women suffering post-traumatic stress disorder and ongoing trauma as a result of their experience?

That ongoing trauma still exists for me and it was a shock when it came around in the form of bad dreams, or tears when I hear or watch about a case of domestic violence. I can’t watch films with violent scenes because they’re a trigger.

I spent a lot of time thinking about how to offload some of the weight of this “secret” and the shame that came with it, but I’ve since realised hiding my experience means the offender wins so this White Ribbon Day I’m telling my story to help others tell theirs, to shed that “secret” and to know they are supported.

Today while I’ll wear my white ribbon, answer the same question over and over about what it stands for, and encourage people to buy one too, I and every other domestic violence victim will also be thinking about the next 364 days until White Ribbon Day rolls around for another year.

I will shed tears for the woman who dies each week at the hands of their current or former partner and I’ll be praying for the one in four women who suffer emotional abuse and the one in six women who experience physical violence by someone they love or once loved.

I’ll stand by the women who don’t report the violence because they’re scared, because they think it’s their fault or because they can’t face police stations and courtrooms reminding them of what they went through.

The thing about White Ribbon Day is it symbolises something incredibly important, but sometimes a symbol isn’t enough. The heartbreaking reality is these statistics won’t change, women won’t feel safer and telling our experience won’t be easier based on 24 hours of awareness.

If you or someone you know is experiencing violence, you can contact the Domestic Violence Crisis Service 24-hour crisis line on 6280 0900. If you are in immediate danger call 000.

To find out more about White Ribbon Day, click here.