To be seen and loved for who we are is a quest as old as time.

For me, finding love again has sometimes felt like an epic journey rather than a romantic comedy.

It’s a gamble that takes courage and at times is confronting but the adventure is an opportunity to come face to face with who you are as you roll the dice and embrace the fear that you may be loved for all that you are or you may be rejected.

It is living vulnerably (which is very in right now).

What I have learnt from two and half years of dating is not what I anticipated, which is surprising given I thought my life would pan out like a romantic comedy; think Notting Hill.

1. You are not boring

Everyone is interesting. We all have things we love, sweet spots of knowledge; stories about joy, loss, challenge, hope, faith, embarrassment. You are not the sum of what happens on this one date but a beautiful mix of all the complicated and sweet layers of life. You have value to the world and are loved in many ways.

Lesson 1: Embrace you and live a life that is your own proudly

2. Awkward is your new middle name

Dating is getting out of your comfort zone. A kind of GI Jane obstacle course in heels; there are moments where you stare across the table wondering what to say next, where your drink slips through your hand and over your dress as an unforeseen side affect of sweaty palms. But that in itself is kind of memorable and funny. Nothing awesome ever came out of the blue; it probably started off a little awkward.

Lesson 2: Awkward is the first step on the road to Awesome.

3. You never know how fresh the fruit is when you buy it online

The internet alone can not deliver everything precisely the way you like it. It’s convenient sure but I have hesitated a little before buying apples online; they look crunchy but there is a chance they may not be. Just like them apples, you are never going to know unless you get up close and personal and take this dating thing organic or old school. Real love rarely is something that just materialises online; that face to face chemistry is still key.

Lesson 3: Step away from the computer and get into real life

 4. Thank goodness you are not Katherine Heigel

I hear Katherine Heigel is actually high maintenance and that none of her male leads actually want to work with her again. Self awareness is an under estimated skill when dating and in all relationships. Self awareness helps us take out our own emotional trash rather than project it onto others .To know thy self and accept thy self, and make adjustments where needed can enhance the connections we make with others.

Lesson 4: Being ready to make real connections with others starts with you  

5. Life is not a romantic comedy

Romance is not the sum of your life. Your romantic stories should not define your life. Your life is bigger than just the romantic love within it. We have a wealth of opportunity to contribute to our families, friends, communities and the world. We can ignite passion in more places than just the bedroom and bring about justice and positive change. We can make hearts skip a beat because of random kind acts. We can touch peoples’ lives in more ways than just with romance. Love is bigger than romance. Life is bigger than romance. We are called every day to love in many different ways.

Lesson 5: Savour and cultivate many different kinds of love in your life

6. Everybody needs a parachute before they jump

Dating advice is really confusing. For every ‘never call him back, let him chase you’ expert is another saying ‘go get him tiger’. Read it by all means but trust your own heart and head. If you were going to jump off a cliff what would make you feel comfortable? What would you need to help you enjoy the view on the way down or ride the adrenaline rush? You know what you need, so write down your own dating advice and use this as your parachute before you jump into love.

Lesson 6: Make your own guide to falling in love

7. Make sure you break your heart

We cannot live a life that is shielded from pain. In every heartache and grief there is an opportunity for reinvention. We should anticipate all the good things that love can bring to our lives but we should prepare to meet adversity just as well. As that well worn saying goes ‘it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all’. Perhaps it is better to have lost in love in order to love again. The cycle of feeling, hurting and healing is natural and it makes our lives richer, our minds wiser and our hearts stronger.

Lesson 7: Know how you love and keep doing it 

8. You will be loved again and again and again

Dating again after my marriage ended was tough. I really thought I would never be loved or love again. It was important to feel that way, to lean into what life would be like without romantic love. It helped me appreciate the full spectrum of love in my life, it helped me cultivate a richer life and focus on healing that part of me that thought romantic love would never be possible again. Our inclination as humans is to love and it isn’t just a feeling, it is an ability. Chances are that love will come again in one of its many forms. Being grateful for all the love that finds its way into your life helps you believe that romantic love will be possible again.

Lesson 8: Love is always a possibility

9. There is much to be loved in a single life

Alone is different from lonely. We learn how to be lonely as it is relative to our experience and memory of being with the people we love. But to know how to be alone without being lonely is important. That delicious feeling of lying  alone in the sun uninterrupted with the smell of freshly cut grass and the laughter of unknowns in the distance; or watching a movie on your own—a date with your own mind and reflections. We need others in our lives, but by learning how to be alone we learn how to be better company too.

Lesson 9: Let go, lean into the loneliness and understand what it means to be on your own: alone.

10.Love isn’t something you find

Stop looking. Start listening and just connecting with others. Pack away the expectation and view every date as an opportunity to meet another human being. Be open to the possibility but don’t force it. It will happen in its own time – just like everything in life. It is part of the adventure not the only adventure.

Lesson 10: Love is something that finds you, just make sure the door or window is open.