Dating: Back In The Day and Now
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When I started dating at the age of 44 after a long marriage, I entered an entirely new world.
I had absolutely no idea what I was doing; the entire landscape of dating had changed so dramatically. I’d last dated in the early nineties, back when phones were attached to the wall, friends with benefits were people who received social security, and ‘ghosting’ happened in a haunted house.
Now, five years, countless dates and innumerable lessons down the track, I offer you my top ten differences between dating in midlife and dating Back In The Day (BITD).
BITD I didn’t date online, primarily because there was no ‘online’.
I met people at the pub, at uni, and through friends of friends. These days, I can open a dating app and meet businessmen from Perth, sheep farmers from rural NSW, soldiers from the USA, and lovely men from Nigeria who will totally be my boyfriend if only I send the money for a plane fare.
BITD I didn’t need to hire a babysitter to go on a date.
I was the babysitter.
BITD I didn’t have to worry that the man I was meeting would look different to his photographs.
Photographs didn’t lie, and they couldn’t be stolen, unless you broke into another person’s house and nicked his album.
When I met someone BITD, I had to get to know him through ‘talking’.
I might have asked my friends about him, and been told “He’s cute,” or “He’s good at sport,” or “He got with Jess last year.” I had to find out the rest the hard way, by asking questions and paying attention. I couldn’t check out his LinkedIn profile or go through his Instagram history or search his name in Google to see if he had a wife. It was a crapshoot, and yet most of the time, it seemed to work out okay.
BITD, people only had baggage if they were going on a holiday.
In midlife, everyone has baggage. It’s impossible not to. We have kids. Exes. Heartbreaks. Betrayals. Some of us haul it around on our shoulders, others keep it stored in the overhead locker. But we all have baggage, and we just need to find another person whose baggage matches our own.
BITD, people were either together, or they weren’t.
There wasn’t Friends with Benefits, or polyamory, or casual dating, or open relationships. There wasn’t ‘seeing lots of people’, or uncertain status, or ‘It’s complicated’. Dating these days is full of ambiguities. There are discussions to be had and agreements to be reached and nothing can be assumed.
BITD, sex was exciting and new.
Tinged with the fear of pregnancy, (groundless) worries you didn’t know what you were doing, and sneaking around to avoid parents and flatmates. In midlife, sex is still exciting and new, tinged with the fear of menopausal changes, (groundless) worries about aging bodies, and sneaking around to avoid your kids.
BITD, breakups were breakups.
You had a conversation. You ended the relationship. You couldn’t ‘ghost’ someone you’d been involved with because you knew their landline and address. Relationships were conducted in person, and in letters, and telephone calls, not on dating sites and in private messages and texts.
BITD, when your heart was broken, you had to get over it.
You couldn’t torture yourself by stalking your ex’s social media, because there was no social media! You couldn’t look at his photos, unless you broke into his house. You couldn’t comment on his posts, unless you opened his mail. And you couldn’t check out his new girlfriend, unless you camped outside his house, which wouldn’t happen as you had no internet to amuse you while you waited.
BITD, relationships felt complicated.
In midlife, relationships really are. We are layers and layers of experience and nuance. We are desires and neuroses and beliefs and fears. And yet there’s still love to be found and amazing experiences to be had. This new world is scary, but it’s full of wonder.
Kerri Sackville: Out There
Kerri Sackville appears in conversation with HerCanberra’s Amanda Whitley at Muse Canberra on Sunday 15 April, discussing her new book Out There: A survival guide for dating in midlife—the essential book for any woman jumping on the rollercoaster of midlife dating.
Kerri may not be able to find you the man of your dreams, but she will help you survive the ride with your dignity and sanity intact. And you will definitely laugh a lot along the way. Swipe right on Out There, and enjoy the ride!
Event details and tickets here.
https://hercanberra.com.au/event/kerri-sackville-out-there/
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