New program helps domestic violence victims find their voice

Posted on 8 March, 2019

When Ella* met Jonathon*, he was charming and kind.

She was just 19 at the time, and had high hopes for where the relationship would lead.

“We started out like any couple, he was sweet and kind and seemed to adore me,” she says.

After a few weeks, though, the warning signs began. When Ella visited Jonathon’s home for the first time, she noticed holes punched in the walls, and when she wouldn’t have sex with him straight away, he refused to speak to her.

“He became increasingly jealous and would accuse me of cheating on him,” she says.

“But I was young and in love, and I guess I thought these things would straighten themselves out as we went on.”

As the months passed, things got increasingly worse. Jonathon began isolating Ella from her friends and family, and threatened to kill himself if she didn’t do what he wanted.

“He would punch the walls in fits of rage and then tell me that I was the one with all the issues and this was all my fault,” she says.

“I was called lazy and selfish and stupid, I was a bitch and a slut; the worst names you could imagine.

“It would be this cycle of mind games but then he would go into this world of self-pity where he’d say he doesn’t deserve me, that he’s not good enough and I’d end up being the one to comfort him.

“After that there’d be a few days where he’d be nice to me, and then it would all start over again. Each day became scary.”

Because he hadn’t hit her, Ella didn’t immediately recognise the relationship as abusive.

“When you’re living it every day, it just becomes normal and I just thought if I rode it out he’d eventually stop.

“Though he didn’t hit me directly at the time, he’d stand over me and get up in my face, he’d smash the doors, he’d threaten me—he always was trying to get control and made it clear what he was capable of doing.”

After a while, Ella noticed herself changing. A once confident young woman, her self-esteem dropped, and she began constantly questioning herself.

“It was like trying not to set off a bomb, and you never knew what was going to trigger it,” she says.

“I started having panic attacks. By the end of the relationship I was in a constant state of anxiety and felt like I couldn’t breathe.”

While on the inside she was crumbling, Ella was determined to keep up appearances on the outside; keeping the abuse private from friends and family throughout the 10 years the couple were together.

“I just kept the façade up, that we were happy with a beautiful home and things were fine, because I was embarrassed,” she says.

That façade became difficult to continue after the couple had children together, as Ella increasingly felt compelled to shield them from the environment they were living in.

“They heard all the screaming and the way he treated me and would often comfort me afterwards,” she says.

“I didn’t want them to think this was normal and that you treat another person you love that way.”

Image: istock

Ella tried to leave, taking the children to her parents’ house, but Jonathon threatened to call the police and have the children removed if she didn’t come back.

“It was later in the relationship that I realised I didn’t feel safe in my bed anymore,” Ella says.

“I was lying next to my husband, and it should have been the safest place in the world. But instead I was fearing for my life.”

Five years ago, Ella left the house she and Jonathon shared for the last time. They now have a custody agreement with the children, however things are far some civil.

“He still sent abusive emails and texts. I had to keep moving house with the kids for our own safety, but he’d contact me to say he knew where we were living,” she says.

“Because of this and other ongoing issues, I had to take a [domestic violence order] out, but I still feel a bit like I’m always looking over my shoulder.”

Ella chose to share her story through a new partnership program between Canberra’s Domestic Violence Crisis Service (DVCS) and YWCA Canberra, Voices for Change, which encourages victims of family and domestic violence to speak up about their experience to raise awareness in the community.

Voices for Change provides Advocates, like Ella, with support and training in drivers of violence against women, media and speech preparation and delivery so they are able to share their stories in a safe and supported environment.

Ella, who is now in a “loving, stable” relationship and is working and studying, hopes that sharing her story will help other victims find their voice and understand the effect of family and domestic violence.

“I feel like when I was in that relationship I had no voice, so I want to share my story for other women to understand what they’re living with and to find a way out, and understand what they’re going through because I didn’t,” she says.

“There are a lot of misconceptions out there; I was in an abusive relationship for almost 10 years and I didn’t fully understand it until after. So if I can help even one person escape that kind of relationship, I’ll have done my job.”

If you or someone you know needs help please contact the DVCS 24 hour hotline on 6280 0900 or visit dvcs.org.au

* Names have been changed