“Lets be the best friends we can be whom have a child together.”

After months of tense discussions, sleepless nights, deep consideration and counselling that statement sat in between us like a tiny ray of hope. Ironically it was a vision for our separation that would put our daughter first and foremost, absolving us of the roles of husband and wife and ensuring we would always be her parents.

Even when seemingly amicable the end of a relationship is never easy and, when children are involved, it can be a complicated mix of scheduling, ongoing finances and emotional recovery.

There are more than one million children in Australia that live in the aftermath of a relationship and a growing majority live in a shared care arrangement between both parents.
It is not the ideal arrangement and to outsiders it can appear like a disruptive arrangement as children move between houses but when it works well, it is an arrangement that I personally believe is better than growing up in a toxic environment.

A long-term vision and a good agreed plan can protect and respect the relationships and routines that are key to growing healthy children.

We share some tips from those who have been there to help you make it through the transition and to make shared parenting work: 

1. Take care of your emotional wellbeing

It’s the thing they tell us when we fly – in the event of an emergency make sure you fit your oxygen masks before fitting that of your child. You might feel ok but the transition to shared parenting brings with it grief, loneliness and a sense of loss.

The quiet or empty house can be deafeningly loud with the absence of children likewise managing the chaos on your own can rock your self-confidence and make you feel exhausted.

Have a plan to take care of yourself, talk to friends or a professional, exercise, meditate – have somewhere you go to find peace, self-kindness and stay emotionally strong.

You need emotional clarity and strength to navigate shared parenting.

2. Write a plan for how the shared parenting will work

Whether you are both willing or not, putting the arrangements down on paper is an excellent start to working through the day to day practicalities of caring and raising children apart.

Relationships Australia has a great template that steps you through day to day arrangements, what to do in the event your child is sick or injured, fostering broader family relationships with grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins, schooling and financial agreements (if you have a private arrangement rather than going through the child support agency).

Taking the time to pull a plan together can help if you need to go into the legal system at any point and just generally it provides a framework for all the decisions and considerations that come with raising children apart.

A written plan can minimise the drama around day-to-day practicalities.

3. Put the children first…always

Safety, care and wellbeing of the children should be the primary concern of both parents BUT both parents may have different ways of putting that into action.

It goes without saying that suspected neglect and abuse are serious issues, which should be reported and handled appropriately.

However nit-picking and trash talking the other parent as a way of working through unresolved emotional baggage can be detrimental to the children and the shared parenting arrangement.

It comes down to a matter of picking your battles and knowing when to let minor infractions go through to the keeper.

If the children are safe, cared for and happy then parenting is happening effectively.

Be prepared to let go of some control and accept different parenting styles.

4. Diffuse the he said/she said

Children are clever and perceptive but adults have more ways to communicate.

Any parent in a shared arrangement has to run the gauntlet of ‘Dad said I can do…’ or ‘Mum lets me …’ – in many ways it is no different to what goes on when both parents are under the same roof as kids play each off against the other.

A regular point of communication each day by email or text about your children’s wellbeing and requests can help keep the lines of communication open and children aware that each parent talks to each other.

Keep the lines of communication open.

5. If you can, find praise for your co-parent

This can be the hardest thing and it takes some time to get into the right space to be able to praise your former partner.

Ironically, shared care and co-parenting after the relationship prompts you to focus on the skills that make any relationship work but with a clear purpose – to raise healthy and well-adjusted children whom know they are loved.

Finding praise is about celebrating the relationship your child has with the other parent and acknowledging that it is valuable.

Acknowledge the efforts and love your co-parent gives to your children.

If you need help to talk through a relationship breakdown or to establish a parenting plan visit Relationships Australia or for immediate support call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Photo of parent and child shoes courtesy of Shutterstock.