The family we built after divorce
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Families don’t always look the way we imagined they would.
This is the story of how Joe and I continued parenting after our separation, how we navigated new relationships, and how, many years later, we found ourselves nurturing the relationship between a brother and sister with an 18-year age gap who live in different homes.
Before I go any further, I want to acknowledge that our story won’t be everyone’s story.
Joe and I have been fortunate to co-parent in a way that has worked for our family, but I know that isn’t always possible. There are many situations where a parent’s behaviour or the safety of a child means a different path needs to be taken. If you are experiencing family violence or have concerns about your child’s safety, I encourage you to seek support from police and obtain independent legal advice from a lawyer who specialises in family law. Every family’s circumstances are different, and the safety of children and parents must always come first.
Separation
Joe and I separated when Thomas was about two years old.
By then, I had already started my career in family law. Looking back now, I can see just how much that shaped the way we approached our separation and, more importantly, how we approached parenting afterwards.
One conversation from those early days has stayed with me ever since.
Joe asked me whether I was going to change Thomas’s surname. He told me he wouldn’t agree to it.
At the time, I remember feeling completely taken aback. I had taken Joe’s surname when we married, Thomas shared the same surname and we had never discussed changing Thomas’ name. It had never even crossed my mind. I was quick to reassure Joe that I would never consider doing that.
As the years have passed, I’ve often reflected on why he asked the question.
I don’t think it came from either of us. I think it came from the expectations that surrounded us. Society almost expects separated parents to fight. It assumes there will be disagreements over children, money and names, as though conflict is simply part of the process.
After our separation, I eventually returned to my maiden name. That felt right for me.
But I never once suggested changing Thomas’ surname.
His name is part of who he is. It’s part of his identity, his history and his connection to both sides of his family. To change his surname would have been to change a part of him, and that was never something I would have considered.
My work in the family law world meant that I was very aware of the high-conflict, expensive, damaging paths that some families went down post separation. I knew that I wanted to avoid that at all costs. I feel grateful to have been able to learn from those families about what was best for my family.
Throughout every decision we made, we kept coming back to one simple question: What is best for Thomas?
For the first few months after we separated, we decided to “nest”. Many people haven’t heard of nesting before, but for us it meant Thomas remained living in the only home he had ever known, with our dog, while Joe and I took turns moving in and out. When it was Joe’s time with Thomas, I stayed with my parents. When it was my time with Thomas, Joe stayed with his parents.
Rather than asking a little boy to adjust to two different homes straight away, we chose to let him remain in the one place that felt familiar while we worked out what our new normal would look like.
We didn’t rush to finalise everything. We gave ourselves time to let the dust settle, find a parenting rhythm and make decisions with clearer heads.
At the time, I was working three days a week. I knew that wouldn’t be financially sustainable, so eventually I returned to full-time work. During that transition, Joe and I simply made it work. I cared for Thomas on my days off, Joe cared for him on weekends, and we shared the days he attended daycare while I was working.
Once I returned to full-time work, Thomas moved into full-time daycare and we transitioned to an arrangement that was almost week-about. Our changeover was on a Friday after daycare, with Thomas spending the Monday night with the other parent as a touch point. It meant he never went more than three nights without seeing either of us, and that felt important.
Over time, we negotiated between ourselves how we would divide our assets and liabilities and financially support Thomas moving forward.
Supporting each other
Alanna and Thomas.
One of the things I became incredibly grateful for was knowing we could rely on each other when life happened.
If I became unwell while Thomas was in my care, I knew I could call Joe and ask if he could look after him. There was a period where I seemed to be sick over and over again, and Joe quietly stepped in to do more than his fair share of the parenting. What was precious was knowing that he wasn’t going to try to use it against me. He genuinely wanted to support me.
I have never forgotten that.
It gave me the time I needed to recover, and it meant Thomas wasn’t constantly exposed to whatever bug I happened to have at the time.
Looking back now, I still feel a pang of guilt when I think about that period. Even though it probably added up to no more than a couple of weeks over several months, part of me still feels as though I missed precious time with Thomas.
I suspect that’s just part of being a mum.
Another conversation with Joe has stayed with me over the years.
When Thomas was a toddler, we’d already agreed which primary school he would attend. Then, about six months before he was due to start kindergarten, something changed.
Even now, I can’t fully explain it.
I remember exactly where I was sitting when an overwhelming feeling came over me that the school we’d planned wasn’t the right fit for Thomas. Instead, I wanted him to attend the independent school I had gone to, one that would take him all the way through to Year 12.
It also came with significantly higher school fees.
I rang Joe and told him I was worried. He listened. He asked questions. He let me explain why my instincts had changed.
What he didn’t do was argue. He didn’t raise his voice. He didn’t tell me that because it was my idea, I should pay the difference. He didn’t blame me for changing our plans. He trusted me. He trusted that I knew our son well enough to recognise when something didn’t feel right, even if I couldn’t fully explain why. And without hesitation, he agreed.
To this day, I remain grateful for the trust and respect he showed me in that moment. It reminded me that, although our marriage had ended, we were still raising Thomas together. He believed in my ability to make the right decision for our son, just as I believed in his.
New relationships
Eventually, we both remarried. I married Chris, and Joe married Candice.
One thing I discovered quite quickly was that I didn’t like the terms “stepmother” and “stepfather “. For me, those labels seemed to create separation where I wanted connection. Instead, we introduced Candice as “Joe’s wife” and Chris as “Alanna’s husband”. It was a small thing, but it felt more natural to us.
Both Chris and Candice embraced the co-parenting relationship that Joe and I had worked so hard to build. They weren’t threatened by it, they understood that it wasn’t about us. It was about Thomas. It was about showing him that the adults in his life could respect one another, even though our family looked different to how we’d once imagined.
If I’m honest, Joe probably welcomed Chris into Thomas’ life more quickly than I welcomed Candice into Thomas’ life. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to. I simply needed a little more time to adjust; despite everything I’d learnt through my years working in family law.
One of my favourite memories from those years still makes me laugh:
Thomas was about eight or nine and absolutely obsessed with WWE (you know, the fake “wrestling”). When they announced an Australian tour, I decided to buy tickets for Thomas, Joe and Chris.
Not just any tickets. Fancy tickets. To save a little money, I also booked them one hotel room with two double beds. In my mind, it made perfect sense. I’d just spent a fortune on the tickets, so of course they could all share a room!
It genuinely never occurred to me that asking your ex-husband and your current husband to spend a weekend together might be considered unusual.
As it turned out, they had an absolute ball.
When they arrived home, Thomas came running over, threw his arms around me and couldn’t wait to tell me all about the weekend. I asked him who his favourite wrestler was, even though I already knew the answer would be John Cena.
Without missing a beat, he replied, “Dad and Chris liked the Divas the best.”
If you don’t know what WWE Divas are… you might want to Google that one!
Watching Thomas’ excitement, I felt incredibly proud of both Joe and Chris. Whatever reservations or insecurities they may have had, they never let Thomas see them. Perhaps there weren’t any at all? They gave him a weekend full of laughter, fun and memories that he still talks about today.
In the end, that’s what mattered most.
How we managed trauma
Then, in 2017, everything changed. When Thomas was 13 years old, he and I were involved in a serious motor vehicle crash, caused by a drug driver. Thomas was airlifted to The Canberra Hospital in a critical condition, while I was transported by ambulance.
The months and years that followed tested every one of us in ways I could never have imagined.
Trauma has a way of changing people. It affects how we think, how we communicate and how we respond to one another. Even the strongest families can find themselves struggling under that kind of pressure, so it was inevitable that our blended family would experience challenges too.
During those early days in hospital, a misunderstanding about our family’s dynamics created hurt within our parental unit. I won’t revisit the details because they aren’t the important part of this story and remain private. What stayed with me though, was the lesson.
Every family is different. Before making assumptions or offering opinions, I encourage people to take the time to understand the relationships that already exist, the roles people play and the love that binds a family together. Particularly if you are supporting this family. Families are often far more complex, and far more connected, than they first appear.
The misunderstanding caused pain for all of us at a time when we were already trying to navigate the unimaginable. Rebuilding that trust wasn’t easy, and there were moments when I genuinely wondered whether we would ever find our way back.
Over time, our relationship slowly began to heal. It never quite returned to what it had been before the crash, despite the efforts each of us made. Trauma leaves its mark.
But we never stopped being Thomas’ parents, and we never stopped wanting what was best for him.
Introducing Mabel
Alanna and Mable.
A few years after the crash, Joe and Candice welcomed a beautiful baby girl into the world, Mabel. She is the only child born after Thomas for either of our families. Chris and I don’t have children together.
This next part isn’t easy to write, but I think it’s important to be honest and provide context.
When Candice told us she was pregnant, my first reaction wasn’t joy. It was grief.
Not because she was having a baby – I was genuinely happy for Joe and Candice. My grief came from a very different place.
Chris and I had been through multiple rounds of IVF, and despite everything we had hoped and planned for, we weren’t able to have a child together. Candice’s pregnancy was a painful reminder of something I had desperately wanted but couldn’t have.
Looking back now, I can see that my feelings had nothing to do with Candice. They belonged entirely to me. They were born from loss, disappointment and the quiet grief that so many people experience after infertility.
For a little while, I found myself keeping my distance. Not because I didn’t want Joe and Candice to be happy, but because I needed time to make peace with my own emotions. And, with time, I did.
We recently celebrated Mabel’s fourth birthday together. There is an 18-year age gap between her and Thomas, and watching their relationship grow has become one of the greatest joys of my life.
Somewhere along the way, something quietly changed in me. The grief I had once carried slowly made way for something else. My heart opened, little by little, and before I knew it, Mabel had found her own special place within it. I don’t think there was one defining moment. It happened gradually.
About two years ago, I found myself standing at a playground watching Thomas and Mabel together. She adored him. He adored her.
She wanted him to take her down the slide again. And again. And again.
I lost count of how many times I heard the word “again”, but neither of them seemed to mind. Thomas never once looked impatient. Mabel never stopped laughing. I couldn’t stop watching them.
Instead, I picked up my camera and took hundreds of photographs. Looking through those photos afterwards, I realised I hadn’t simply captured children playing. I’d captured a brother and sister building a relationship despite an 18-year age gap.
That was the moment I truly began to understand how important their relationship could become.
Over the past year, Mabel and I have spent much more time together, and somehow, without either of us really noticing, we’ve formed a beautiful little friendship of our own.
She is pure sunshine. She’s curious, funny, endlessly energetic and has a way of making everyone around her smile. I feel incredibly fortunate that she is part of our lives.
I have a special nickname for my husband that nobody else in the world uses. Somewhere along the way, Mabel heard me say it and decided that was his name too. She is now the only other person who calls him that, and every time she does, it makes us smile.
Mabel has slept over at our house. We go for walks, bake cakes together and fill our days with all the little moments that become childhood memories. Sometimes we even let her have lemonade for breakfast. A privilege that I’m quite sure she thinks should happen every time she visits.
We don’t think of those moments as extraordinary. They’re simply what families do. And we feel incredibly privileged that Mabel is part of ours.
Mabel and our family
People sometimes ask me why Chris and I have such a close relationship with Mabel. The answer is actually quite simple.
Thomas is an adult now and lives with Chris and me. Twice a week, he has dinner with Joe, Candice, Mabel and their extended family. When I really stopped and thought about it, I realised those dinners probably added up to only six hours each week. Six hours! How could an 18-year age gap ever be bridged in just six hours a week? That question stayed with me.
I wanted Thomas and Mabel to have the opportunity to build a genuine brother and sister relationship. I wanted them to have ordinary moments together, not just family dinners. I wanted them to share experiences, create memories and simply enjoy being siblings.
The more time Mabel spent with us, the more naturally she became part of our everyday lives.
What I didn’t expect was that, while Thomas and Mabel’s relationship was growing, so was ours.
Chris and I weren’t just watching a beautiful sibling relationship develop; we were falling completely in love with this bright, funny little girl who had wandered into our lives and somehow found a place in our hearts.
Today, Joe and Candice trust us with one of the most precious things in their lives: Mabel.
When Mabel was ready for her very first proper sleepover away from home, they entrusted her to us. It was the first night she had ever spent away from Candice, and I know that would have been a big step for every one of us.
Mabel, of course, thought it was wonderful.
We packed the weekend full of adventures, laughter and all the little traditions that have since become part of our time together. There were no tears at bedtime, only a few at pick-up time the following day because she wasn’t quite ready for the fun to end.
That weekend wasn’t just Mabel’s first sleepover.
It was another reminder of just how much trust, love and respect can grow when people continue choosing one another, even after life has taken them in different directions.
Our beautiful-blended family
I’ve never liked the terms “step” or “half”. To me, those words can sometimes create distance where none needs to exist.
Thomas and Mabel aren’t “half-siblings”. They’re simply brother and sister.
Just as Candice isn’t simply Thomas’ “stepmum” and Chris isn’t simply Thomas’ “stepfather”. They are all people who love Thomas and Mabel, each in their own unique way, and that’s what matters.
These days, it’s not unusual to find all four parents and both children together at the same event. It can be a little confusing when someone asks who everybody is, but we’ve found a simple solution. Rather than introducing me as “Joe’s ex-wife”, people simply say, “This is Thomas’ mum.” I like that.
Because, in the end, that’s the role that has shaped every decision I’ve written about in this story.
If there’s one thing I’ve learnt over the past two decades, it’s that families don’t stop being families simply because parents separate. They change. They grow. Sometimes they become far more complicated than anyone expected. But they can also become richer, kinder and more connected than you ever imagined.
Our story won’t be everyone’s story, and that’s okay But if there is one hope I have for parents navigating this journey, it is that they remember the years ahead are still being written. The relationship you build with your co-parent today has the potential to shape not only your child’s future, but also the lives of people you haven’t even met yet.
If there is one lesson I have learnt through all of this, it is to pause before you speak, before you send that text message or before you make a decision. Put your children at the centre of it.
Ask yourself, “How will this affect them? How will it affect their relationship with their other parent? Their siblings? Their grandparents? The people who love them?
Those are the questions I continue to ask myself whenever I make a decision involving Thomas and even Mabel. What is best for them? What will strengthen their relationship with one another? What will help them feel safe, loved and connected?
For our family, the answer has been surprisingly simple. Children flourish when the adults around them choose respect over resentment, kindness over conflict, and connection over pride. They benefit when the important people in their lives encourage relationships rather than create barriers.
Our family doesn’t look the way any of us imagined it would all those years ago. But it is built on love, respect and a shared commitment to two children who deserve to grow up surrounded by people who care deeply for them. For that, I will always be grateful.
I could never have imagined that one day I’d be baking cakes, going for walks, hosting sleepovers, and occasionally serving lemonade for breakfast to my former husband’s little girl.
Yet here we are. And I wouldn’t change our beautifully blended, slightly unconventional family for the world.
Acknowledgement: I would like to acknowledge and thank Joe, Candice, Chris, Thomas and Mabel for the trust they have placed in me by allowing me to share our family’s story. Some of the experiences in this article are deeply personal, and I am incredibly grateful for their support and generosity in allowing them to be told.
We hope that by sharing our journey, other parents might see what is possible when children remain at the heart of every decision. More than anything, we hope more children, like Thomas and Mabel, have the opportunity to grow up surrounded by love, respect and the freedom to build meaningful relationships with everyone who cares for them.
