What you don’t know about family and domestic violence

Posted on 30 April, 2019

As a woman in your twenties and a mother to young children, have you ever walked into the grocery store and had no idea what to do?

No idea where to look for a particular item, no idea where to take it or how to pay?

The Domestic Violence Crisis Service ACT (DVCS) sat down with five of the six Voices for Change Advocates to find out about the impacts their experiences of family, domestic and intimate partner violence has had on their lives.

Right from the outset, it is clear there are patterns. Throughout the conversation, whenever one Advocate mentioned something, there were heads bobbing and words of “yes” and “me too” being said.  To protect the privacy of each of these incredibly strong women, we will refer to them as Advocate One, Advocate Two etc.

We first wanted to understand the physical health impacts their experiences had on them. And we aren’t talking about injuries caused by the person who used violence against them, rather the other things that come later and that many of the Advocates are still experiencing.

Advocate Two started the conversation and shared “I had weight loss. I have always been slim and fit, but over the course of the relationship I lost weight to the point I looked unwell.”  Advocates One, Three and Four all experienced weight loss as well. This also resulted in poor body image issues, which they are all working hard at rebuilding now.

Advocate Three shared her horrible experience of chronic gastro. “I couldn’t hold down food, vomiting after almost every meal. I ate an extremely limited diet of plain foods and became sensitive to caffeine. It caused me to have heart palpitations and dizziness. I was extremely susceptible to gastro bugs and they caused me to end up in hospital, vomiting every 30 minutes or so for about eight to 12 hours. I haven’t been to hospital now for about two years.” Advocates One and Two also experienced gastro problems.

“I experienced immune suppression disorder which meant things like cuts, acne and bruises wouldn’t heal without the assistance of medications. Usually, they would end up infected and the infection would spread to other areas of my body,” Advocate One told us. Advocate Two experienced similar problems.

Advocate Four told us that “Every day, all day I would suffer from headaches. I had frequent nightmares. The headaches are gone now, but I still have nightmares every so often. I lost big chunks of my hair, even my eyebrows. Oh, and the cold sores. Inside my mouth, inside my nose and on my face. They took a while to heal too.” This isn’t unique, with Advocates One, Two and Five all having similar experiences.

Advocate Three started to share some of the non-physical impacts of her relationship, “I feel sick in my tummy when my phone rings, just in case it might be him. I haven’t been with him for over 15 years, but I still get that feeling in my tummy. He made me so anxious. I used marijuana during the relationship, just to help me manage. It took me about three years after the relationships to wean myself off it.”

All of the Advocates continue to experience anxiety and some experience panic attacks. Sleeping is also problematic, Advocates One, Two and Five finding it difficult to fall asleep, with Advocates Two and Five also waking frequently throughout the night.

Advocate One told us of her PTSD. “For me, PTSD means I have nightmares, wake sweaty, I jump at loud sounds, I am unable to travel to certain places or engage with certain people without being triggered. I can startle easily, really easily.” Advocates Two, Four and Five all have similar reactions to these things.

Advocate Five has had to seek support to have graffiti removed from public spaces, had to get off social media due to the constant harassment from friends of the person who used violence and her ability to socialise was limited due to concern of running into him or his friends.

“I have spent time in the Adult Mental Health Ward, I’ve stopped eating and sometimes I have problems speaking. This is all because of the draining mental health problems caused by the violence and ongoing harassment,” she told us.

When we asked the Advocates about other impacts, it was clear their relationships with family and friends suffered significantly. All of the Advocates experienced some form of social anxiety and isolation, and how that presented was different for each of them. It included loss of confidence and self-esteem, feelings of failure as a parent, daughter or friend, feeling awkward at social gatherings or not wanting to leave the house at all.

“After I first left him, I was scared to go out of the house by myself. I had never been allowed out of the house without him, I felt scared to go out in public without my ‘protector’. I didn’t know how to get to appointments and I didn’t know what to do when I went to the grocery store. I had young children and all of sudden had to shop for us all.”

Advocate One told us of her initial experience after she left the abusive relationship. “I struggled to make decisions on my dress, hair and make-up, he had done all of that for me. I had to learn a lot.”

All of the Advocates agree they have had to learn many new things since the end of their abusive relationships. They have made new friends and reconnected with old friends and family. They are learning what it means to trust, not just others, but themselves. How to manage their fears and insecurities and how to trust their own judgement. They are all feeling healthier, confident and are happier with their appearance.

If you are experiencing family, domestic or intimate partner violence, it is ok to ask for help.

These amazing Voices for Change Advocates are happy with who they are and want you to know, life after family, domestic and intimate partner violence can be great, happy and fulfilling.

If you or someone you know is experiencing family, domestic or intimate partner violence (or not sure what you are experiencing), we encourage you to contact the Domestic Violence Crisis Service via their 24/7 crisis intervention line on 6280 0900. You do not have to give them your name.

HerCanberra is a proud supporter of DVCS ACT.