How a Canberra couple built a community around consensual non-monogamy
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It sounds like the quintessential fairy-tale relationship: a chance meeting at university, a romantic proposal in New York, a beautiful wedding and a vivacious baby boy.
After 13 years together, Canberra couple Abbey and Liam are still deeply in love, but the one thing that has brought them closer together might not be what you’d expect.
For over a decade, Abbey and Liam have been non-monogamous and have been dating other people.
And while it might sound like a concept that would create devastating wounds between partners – whether from jealousy, insecurity or something else – for them, their consensual non-monogamous relationship brings joy and a deeper form of connection.
“We can’t remember who brought it up exactly, but we both have always had wonderful communication, and we started having a lot of feelings which – looking back – were compersive feelings,” says Abbey.
“Compersion is a feeling of joy that arises within someone when their partner is experiencing intimacy or happiness – from being with someone else. It is an empathetic joy, often considered to be the opposite of jealousy. So, in situations that would typically trigger jealousy or distress, the compersive feelings of excitement, perhaps even arousal are felt instead.”
Abbey realised that she liked the idea of Liam being intimate with other women (and vice versa), and the couple began thinking seriously about the logistics of taking the fantasy into the real world while maintaining their deep, connected bond.
Discovering consensual non-monogamy – where one person has the explicit consent of their partner to be intimate with someone else – the couple realised it might be the perfect solution for their feelings.
Luckily, they were living in New York at the time – where there’s a thriving non-monogamous community – and it was easy to anonymously discover what they really wanted.
Beginning their exploration by easing into it with a trusted friend in the non-monogamous space who approached them, Abbey says the anonymity of the city gave them the freedom and confidence to try a different way of living.
They spent their twenties in New York – coming home only to get married and live in Sydney for six months before jetting off again – surrounding themselves with an open and like-minded community where they were free to explore.
But everything changed when they decided to move back to Canberra to raise their young son.
From private conversations to public platform
Arriving back in Canberra at the end of 2019, it was while reconnecting with old friends and chatting about relationships – and all the drama that comes with them – that Abbey realised there might be a space for her to share her stories as someone in a consensual non-monogamous relationship.
When she decided to tell friends and family about how she and Liam approach their marriage, their response shocked her.
“To my surprise, they were really open-minded and curious, and they wanted to know more about it,” says Abbey.
“So, I started a little private Instagram page called Evolving Women’s Project. It was for my friends, but I said if anybody wanted to share it with somebody, they could – but they had to have the conversation first.”
Writing about her own experiences with Liam and sharing her perspectives on the topic, as more women requested to follow her, Abbey decided to launch The Evolving Love Project – a public Instagram page and Substack where she dives into the dynamics, emotions and everything else involved in open relationships.
Touching on topics that range from motherhood to navigating married life beyond the norms of monogamy, Abbey began building a community of those practising or interested in non-monogamous relationships in Canberra and the surrounding region.
From there, the logical next step was the Evolving Love podcast.
“I started hosting women’s circles – conversation evenings about these different concepts. Then we opened it up and started having conversation nights for anyone interested,” Abbey explains.
“It’s a beautiful way to meet people interested in the non-monogamous environment, through a purely conversational lens… it has been a wonderful experience. We’ve had many people reach out to us or email me about my writing that we decided to start a podcast.”
Launched in 2022, the Evolving Love podcast was named as a finalist in the Australian Podcast Awards’ Sex and Relationships category in 2024.
Released weekly, the episodes share anecdotes, funny moments, difficult moments, and their own lived experience. Exploring sexuality and relationships through their lens of non-monogamy, Liam and Abbey also make sure to share different perspectives in the space, interviewing special guests that include philosophers, academics, authors, a dominatrix and even a biblical scholar.
With listeners tuning in from all over the world, the podcast has found a global audience hungry for honest conversations about alternative relationship structures.
Breaking down misconceptions
Wanting to destigmatise the concept of consensual non-monogamy and show that – for some – it’s a healthy way to approach a relationship, Abbey says that while conversations about open relationships are in the cultural zeitgeist, there’s still a long way to go.
With Relationships Australia data from 2023 indicating six per cent of Australians have been in an open relationship, it’s more common than people think.
“People may think that we’re doing this because we must be selfish or unhappy, and I think that’s understandable as non-monogamy is still widely misunderstood and most people have no awareness of compersion,” says Abbey.
“I think without compersion, even from a values perspective, there’s no real point to non-monogamy.”
And before you ask, Abbey and Liam’s life isn’t about wild sex parties every weekend.
Focusing on raising their son together, like any parents, their dating life is something that fits around everything else – work, school drop-offs and play dates. And like going to the gym or catching up with a friend, for Abbey and Liam, it’s something that adds joy to their already full lives.
“I’m not having two marriages; I’m not splitting my time equally between Liam and another partner. For me, it is similar to catching up with a friend for dinner, except you’re not limited in how you might want to catch up with them- if there is that connection there,” she says.
“Everybody is different, and there are many different ways to explore non-monogamy. This is just the way that we explore it.”
Building community and changing conversations
Supported by friends and family as well as the community they’ve built, Abbey and Liam are proud to have created a safe space for those interested in consensual non-monogamous relationships to explore this nuanced topic.
And while she admits they have received judgement from the public, Abbey says she is secure in her choices and feels privileged to be able to use her platform to destigmatise open relationships.
“I’m not hurting anyone, I’m not breaking the law, it’s just a different relationship choice. It’s not better than monogamy, it’s just a different way of being,” she says.
“It doesn’t feel like it’s as taboo as it used to be, but that also might just be me living in a bubble. But it’s all about the importance of sharing stories. Storytelling is so important, and by podcasting and writing, we’re destigmatising it.”
As Abbey points out, commitment looks different to everybody.
“There can still be infidelity in non-monogamy. That can still happen.”
“[To me] being faithful to one another is by being honest, being each other’s cheerleader, being each other’s life and romantic companion and really sticking to our word with what we say, whilst having a focus on growing- together.”
“Monogamy is still widely upheld as the ultimate showing of devotion to a partner, but perhaps that is because most people have not considered that there might be other, bespoke styles of relating.”
For more information about The Evolving Love Project, including events, retreats and the podcast, visit evolvingloveproject.com.
Feature image: Jeremy Wikner.
