I’ve discovered new love—what’s the best way to blend our families?
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So… you’ve discovered new love after a break up. And it’s getting serious. You’ve decided to move in together. Wonderful! Fantastic! Exciting!
Amongst the excitement of setting up a home together, don’t forget that the practicalities have to be sorted out too. This means thinking about the boring life-admin stuff, like protecting yourself financially and legally. If you have children, the excitement of this special time in your relationship can be dulled by worry about how your children will adjust.
Becoming a step-parent, or introducing a step-parent to your children can be rewarding and daunting. Parents entering new relationships commonly ask – “How do I make a decision that is best for myself, and for my kids? How can I make this work successfully?” If you haven’t yet tackled telling the kids about your partner (or your ex) then check out some tips for that here.
This article identifies different living arrangements you can consider as a step-family or if you’re a couple without children from previous relationships but have already had a serious relationship end.
Partial blends
This refers to people who have established new/serious relationships who continue to maintain two separate households with their respective children or pets from their previous relationship/s.
Despite not formally ‘living’ together in a single residence, the family members will often spend significant time with each other in either or both homes, taking part in joint activities and sharing meals and holidays. For some couples and children, having defined space and time apart can make for a more harmonious transition to a step-family and allow everyone time to adjust gradually.
Living apart but together
Couples in committed relationships, with or without children, may also decide to maintain entirely separate homes for personal, financial or both reasons.
Like partial blends, this arrangement can sometimes be utilised by parents who wish to minimise change or disruption as it can reduce the number of transitions experienced by the children who may be processing their parents’ separation.
It’s important for you and your family to manage everyone’s expectations, including the level of involvement each step-parent will have with their step children’s parenting. Remaining in separate households can be a ‘child-focused’ approach to navigating the blend of your families, and allow everyone to maintain independence in their respective comfort zones.
Cohabiting
This arrangement is your traditional step-family or joint household arrangement, where the couple live together in one residence, with their children and pets. The children may also live part time with their other parent (and sometimes the pets too!) Some children may be with you at certain times, without others, or the children on each side may have mirroring arrangements.
Mapping out the existing care arrangements for your children and your partner’s children can help you to visualise how a typical week or month may operate. In that process, you might identify if some tweaks need to be made to the children’s routines to make things smooth for them during this change. Discussing how to go about this with a family lawyer early on is a good idea, as it can take time to alter them.
The new family home might be at your place or your partner’s place or you might together find a new home which better suits everyone. Logistics including bedroom sharing in the house, it’s geographic location and proximity to schools, workplaces and co-parents’ residences also have to be factored in when deciding where you will live. If you are thinking about buying a property together, read our blog “7 things to think about when buying a house with your partner” here.
In the simplest and more cliché of terms, there is no ‘one size fits all‘ approach to moving in together after divorce or blending families. You and your co-pilot(s) need to consider what is in your child/ren’s best interests. This can be hard as what is in the interests of one may not be for all.
Some other important topics to discuss before living together:
How are you going to provide stability for your kids?
- What are your children, and your partner’s children, going to need in order to manage this transition, and what do they need to support their care, welfare and development once it is established?
- What things can you and your partner do to ease your children into this new change?
- Where will you live? Will there be knock-on effects for the children in having to physically move which need cushioning? How will the children each have their own ‘space’ in the home, and time with their parent as well as the entire family?
- How will the household operate once established? Think about boundaries and guidelines that you and your partner can both agree upon, and share with your children, to help them understand what to expect once you are all under the same roof.
- How will you know if it is going well? How will you provide feedback to each other, and get feedback from the children, without hurt feelings or conflict?
- Would professional support for the children be assistive? Counselling and courses for children of separated homes can be very useful.
If you can and it is safe to do so, keep your former partner in the loop about your children’s changing living arrangements. Informing your co-parent upfront avoids them being caught unaware, which can lead to conflict. It also gives them to chance to support their children through the changes too. To reduce the risk of ‘negative fallout’ for your children or you, get legal advice before moving in together, specific to your situation.
Avoid at all costs using your children as the ‘messenger’ to the other parent about what is happening.
How will you deal with money after you move in together and how will you treat your current assets and debts?
- Before you take the plunge and move in together, talk openly with your partner about how living costs will be shared, and how the costs for each person’s children will be met. Do some research to understand how cohabiting may affect your eligibility to government pensions, allowances and subsidies. Establish everyone’s current obligations to repayment of debts and other financial commitments – and develop a contingency plan should one or both of you be unable to earn an income in future.
- Have you completed your property settlement from your previous relationship? Has your partner concluded theirs? If not, you should get some legal advice before taking the step of living together, to avoid unwanted intrusions into your, or your partner’s, financial affairs. Read our blog about the importance of formalising a property settlement here.
- Are your Will and Enduring Power of Attorney current and up to date? Do you need to make changes to your superannuation death benefit nomination – do you need to update your super fund to change the names or add/remove your co-parent?
- You may need to review these documents given the change in your relationship or living arrangements, to ensure that these are up to date with your current circumstances and wishes.
- Consider a Cohabitation Agreement, or a Binding Financial Agreement (sometimes known as a ‘pre-nup’) to spell out what should happen to your assets and debts, if your new relationship breaks down. These agreements can also cover off how ongoing living costs are to be shared and how joint assets will be divided if a separation occurs in future. It’s a little bit like taking out insurance to avoid a messy disagreement about who gets what, by figuring this out in advance.
