CHILDBIRTH. The one word that strikes fear in anyone – mumma or not. Yet, we often forget the silent partner, and in my case, the not-so-silent.

Having gone through this incredible experience twice (the first a water birth in the UK four years ago, the second-natural birth-five months ago), I thought I’d share the 10 things not to say to a woman in labour. And yes, the hubby knows I’ve written this to “forewarn any future partners of the possession that will come” (his words, not mine…gee  I married such a charmer!)

So here they are (and yes this is really what he did say during the labour of baby boy #2)

Number 1:”Do you think it’s really happening this time? I don’t want to go to the hospital for no reason”

I DON’T KNOW! Yes, I admit I’d had a couple of false alarms (with both bubs), and was probably wishful thinking he would just come out already…but “for NO reason”?!

OK then buddy, you’re going to deliver this baby at home. By yourself. Do you think I like explaining to our anxiously waiting family and friends that “Nope, no baby…yet…false alarm, and yes, I may or may not have just peed myself.” Pregnancy. Such a wonderful thing.

So, into the car we get. No hubby, you will not have your chance to have a recorded 000 phonecall delivering your child. Yes, I am a partypooper and someone has been watching waaay too much TV.

Number 2:”Will I have time to get something to eat?”

(In labour for real this time and en-route to hospital) Yeah sure hubby, pull up a chair, relax, have a beer while you’re at it….

We get to the hospital.

Number 3:”Up the stairs we go. Walking’s meant to bring on labour right?”

I AM IN LABOUR!!!

Stopping halfway up the two flights, pauses:

Number 4:”Hang on a minute (grabbing the latest free Canberra Weekly and City News magazines), this may take a while…Oscar (our first child) took 15 ½ hours remember?”

REMEMBER?? How can I not? I PUSHED him out those 15 ½ hours! And I’m about to do the same now!! How long do you want this to take??

Finally make it up the stairs and into a room. Midwife confirms I am definitely in labour:

Number 5:”Guess it’s showtime then!” (claps his hands together).

Showtime?!?! Maybe for you! And you had better not be recording this!!!! He didn’t thank the Lord! No-one should ever have to relive this experience so up close and personal.Ever. And no, no-one wants to watch it to share that moment with you either. Ever.

Swiftly followed in the same breath by:

Number 6:”Do you think I’ll have enough time to grab myself something to eat, you know for energy. It can get quite tiring.”

I swear he asked that while the midwife was in the room so I didn’t slap him!!

“Sure” midwife replies, “this baby might be a while so let’s get your wife into the bath” I could’ve slapped her too! It was then that I had a sudden urge for chicken nuggets (as you do when you’re in labour)

Hubby’s ears prick up as I must’ve mouthed the words “Chicken nuggets” in my state of delirium.

Number 7: “You feel like chicken nuggets? Sure I’ll just go and pick some up..drive-thru baby and I’ll even eat mine in the car so it’s quicker…”

(Ducks out for a second and returns with the reception bell) “See, I’ve even grabbed you a bell for you just in case you need someone” then dashes back out again for I can’t even remember how long.

Yes people, he did….there I was in the birthing pool, solo, bell by my side, while hubby finally got his burger fix (luckily he did bring back my nuggets though as I was STARVING!)

After three more hours in the bath, I got out to check how far bubs had moved. He had. By  one cm!?! One frikkin’ centimetre!?!? All that pushing and pain (and skin way beyond bath wrinkled) for ONE centimetre!!! GAHHHH!!!  And the hubby, well here’s what he had to say about that:

Number 8:”Gee baby, what were you doing in the bath? Relaxing or something?”

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?! I know you might’ve thought it was a joke but here’s THE most important rule, and partners take note – there is NOTHING to joke about when a woman is in labour. There is no funny side.

Finally in the last stages of pushing “Baby boy 2” out, and the hubby had been pretty good (in other words, quiet, handing me jellybeans, Lucozade, icecubes and lipgloss…yes, I know, crazy requests but it got me through) when

Number 9:”I thought second labours were meant to be faster, this baby sure is taking his time…OH.MY.GOD. (looking down) DON’T LOOK NOW. WHAT IS THAT!?!?!” 

THAT dear hubby, is your son who (without getting too graphic) I am currently trying to push out of my vejayjay!!

That was it. The final straw. I lunged, grabbed his shirt, almost strangling him, screamed the most monstrous possessed wail…and out came baby boy #2-Lewis – 15 ½ hours after it all began, exactly the same amount of time as big boy #1-Oscar.

Hurrah! Joy!! What a relief!! Tears of joy from both of us…not even ten minutes old when:

Number 10:”I’m so exhausted, but he’s so worth it. Isn’t he just perfect? I could so do this again…maybe try again for a girl…”

Some men will never learn.

Did your partner utter any memorable words during your labors? Do share…