Ask A Results Coach: Navigating grief

Posted on 7 September, 2022

It’s something we will all experience at some point in our lives—but when the moment comes, how do you even begin to navigate grief and the grieving process?

Enter Alex Wright-Moore, a Results Coach who has kindly offered to answer HerCanberra readers’ questions—and share her knowledge with the HerCanberra audience.

Each month, Alex will explore some of the ways we can better understand what challenges us and empowers us to find solutions.

“A year ago I lost my husband to COVID-19 and ever since I have been trapped in an all-consuming world of grief. Most days I struggle to get out of my pyjamas and I’m ashamed to say that there are times when I don’t even get out of bed. What can I do to bring back some hope in my life?”

Among many things, living through grief can feel isolating, anger-inducing, numbing, depressing and hopeless all at once—so much so, that it is hard to put into words the sense of sweeping desolation that can wash over us when we lose someone important to us.

While the painful sting of immediate grief is known to ease over time, navigating our sense of devastating loss, finding a path to acceptance, and rediscovering a sense of hope is one of the most challenging and overwhelming experiences we can face in life. When the person we lose is our significant other, this can also lead us to cumulatively grieve the loss of our dreams for the future and the past version of our lives (and ourselves) which also feels lost to us—compounding our sense of upheaval and mourning.

Since grief is a universal emotion and an inevitable part of our lived experience, it is vital that we have strategies to help us navigate it and heal. That being said, grief is a highly personal experience and reliant upon different measures of time, self-compassion and support for each person. Even so, there are things that can help us try to pick up the pieces of our lives, struggle less and hope more. This month’s column explores some of the available tools, with the aim of providing an initial point of reference for any who may be searching for support.

We can understand that there is no step-by-step grieving process we must follow

In 1969 psychiatrist, Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, famously developed a theory about the five stages of grief published in her book On Death and Dying after observing a series of terminally ill patients with their family and care professionals. Dr. Kübler-Ross’ theory suggested that humans go through five distinct phases when dealing with death and dying, namely: (1) Denial, (2) Anger, (3) Bargaining, (4) Depression, and (5) Acceptance.

While these terms may help us name some of the emotions which customarily are a part of grief, it is important to remember that these phases were never intended to be a step-by-step prescription for how to move forward—nor were they intended as milestones against which we should measure our progress when grieving. Contrary to this misconception, these terms simply refer to some of the fundamental concepts which help us to understand what may occur as part of our grief experience.

Moreover, these phases are certainly not uniform for everyone. The order is not always linear, and we may not even experience some of these phases at all. It is also perfectly normal to not see our own lived experience of grief reflected in these phases—especially since most of us have an expectation versus reality experience with grief which looks a bit more like this:

Photo credit: followthenudge.org

Nevertheless, all who have been touched by grief, are deeply aware that a sense of loss can often become a lifetime companion when we lose someone important to us. When we commence grieving, commonly this sense of loss is in the forefront of our minds, up there in neon lights, screaming out for our constant attention. Yet, as time passes, it can sometimes evolve to occupy a space in the background, a constant hum of white noise which is ever-present, but not all-consuming.

To some, the idea of dialling down the volume of this white-noise to a quiet, gentle hum to allow room for peace and joy can seem impossible. But it is important to remember that this is not unattainable. By developing realistic expectations of grief, we can also help ourselves to navigate the road ahead.

If we are willing to acknowledge that there is no ‘right way’ or ‘quick fix’ which can speed up our grief process or help us bypass the bits which cause us pain and heartache, it helps us to meet ourselves where we truly are in the journey (as opposed to where we would like to be or where we feel we should be according to the progress of others). Similarly, there is no wrong way to grieve and it is important to recognise that comparing our grief journey to the experiences of others, is never a recipe for healing.

We can recognise when we require more support to navigate our grief 

When our inner world is consumed by grief, it can be hard to focus on or attune to anything else. Sometimes the rest of the outer world can feel like it’s going on around us in a non-sensical blur, and we can feel like an automaton going through the motions.

As a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual process, grief demands that we give ourselves time to feel our genuine feelings of sadness and pain which testify to how deeply we loved and will miss the one we have lost. In our time of mourning, we can also become withdrawn and disengaged—even from the things and people which used to bring us joy, reward and happiness.

When these feelings start to define our daily life in the long-term, or if we increasingly begin to feel a pervading sense of apathy or hopelessness about life in general, it is vital for us to pulse check our mental health, well-being and support networks. This can help us to realise when we may require more support than we currently have, to navigate our grief.

Exploring tools and services explicitly designed to help us heal, in addition to surrounding ourselves with a supportive, understanding community, can be a pragmatic place to start. For anyone in need of greater support and hope at this time, here are a few ideas that may be of assistance:

• The Grief Companion Cards by Ngaio Parr – A non-linear collection of cards that offer insights into the ever-evolving grieving process: providing thoughts and facts to help you feel grounded and seen; ideas on how to honour your loss and memory; and resources you can rely on as your experience of grief continues to shift.
• The Art of Grieving by Corrine Laan – A gentle self-help guide filled with practical self-care practices and mind-body rituals designed to assist one to embrace, express and heal from grief.
• The Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement – Provides a number of support groups and the opportunity to meet with others who are experiencing loss for emotional, practical and moral support.
• griefline.org.au– Offers free, confidential phone support and counselling services nationwide, 7 days a week for adults aged 18 years and over who are experiencing grief; 24/7 online support forums; and a program specifically designed for those who have lost a significant other in NSW with an online resource platform here.
• Homecoming by Thema Bryant – A pragmatic guide to healing in the aftermath of stress, disappointment, and trauma which provides a road map for dismantling fear and shame. Dr. Bryant also hosts a podcast of the same name and Episode 88 specifically discusses practical advice for grieving the loss of a loved one.
• headspace.org.au– Provides a list of mental, physical and emotional symptoms of grief and proposes practical strategies to maintain health and wellbeing when grieving.
• Other Bereavement Resources – A list of Australian supports and services tailored to specific types of grief and loss by geographical location.

We can give ourselves permission to hold onto our love (and grief), but let go of the emotions which are causing us tension and anxiety 

After we have reached out for support, sometimes we are still left with feelings which seem to eat away at us from the inside—be these feelings of guilt, anger, resentment or fear. All of these emotions are normal side-effects of grief which can increase our levels of tension and anxiety. But these emotions also serve to hold us in a disempowered place of hurt and a world of pain, punishing us as we endeavour to go on living without our loved one.

In Episode 1271 of The School of Greatness podcast, entrepreneur Jenna Kutcher tackles this head on.

“A lot of times people want to move on from grief. You’re waiting for life to feel normal again. You’re waiting to feel like yourself. But grief isn’t something we are meant to move on from, it is something we are meant to move with. We’re meant to pick it up and carry it with us, even if we’re inching forward,” says Kutcher.

“If we’re getting stronger because of the things we have been though, we’re not meant to come out on the other side of grief, the same people we were when we went in.”

In this vein, in times when we feel overwhelmed by challenging emotions, it can be useful to practice ‘letting go’ of the emotions which are causing us tension and anxiety, while being conscious that this doesn’t mean we are letting go of our loved one, their memory or of our grief.

A guided mindfulness meditation to facilitate this process can be found here for anyone interested in giving this a go. Similarly, meditations such as this one here can be a useful follow up activity to help us visualise replacing these emotions with those which bring us greater peace of mind.

We can consciously decide when we are ready to give ourselves space to enjoy a new season of our lives

The seasons and circumstances we live by can be largely outside of our control, but what always remains within our sphere of influence is our ability to make our own decisions. Inside each of us lives the power of conscious choice—and with that power, comes the ability to determine what feels right for us, under what conditions, at what time.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean our lives always fall into place in the way we hope they will—as anyone touched by grief well knows. But when it comes to navigating the path of our own grief, the decision to eventually create room in our lives for a new season has to be our own. It is not something we can be forced into, nor is it something we can force upon ourselves. We need to feel ready and a big part of feeling ready is accepting that it is time for a change.

As articulated by author, Cheryl Strayed in Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar, most of us understand that most things will be okay eventually, but it is important to recognise that not everything will be. “Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose,” says Strayed. “Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realise there is no choice but to let go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.”

So how do we know when the time is right to move on and give ourselves space for that new season in our lives—whatever it may hold?

Sometimes, it comes from listening to that deep spring inside ourselves and understanding we have more left to live for—and the knowledge that we have what we need within us, to begin again. Other times, it comes from gently rediscovering small moments of joy, laughter or awe as we take in the world around us. Occasionally, it also comes from reflecting on the hard-won wisdom we have gained from grief that life’s beauty is inseparable from its fragility.

In his book, Starry Messenger: Cosmic Perspectives on Civilization, astrophysicist Neil de Grasse Tyson discusses a cosmic perspective of life and death, expanding on how he grounds his work in this wisdom daily.

Here is what Neil has to say:

“I look up at the night sky, and I know that, yes, we are part of this Universe, we are in this Universe, but perhaps more important than both of those facts, is that the Universe is in us. When I reflect on that fact, I look up – many people feel small, because they’re small and the Universe is big, but I feel big, because my atoms came from those stars. There’s a level of connectivity. That’s really what you want in life, you want to feel connected, you want to feel relevant, you want to feel like you’re a participant in the goings on of activities and events around you. That’s precisely what we are, just by being alive… We are all connected. To each other, biologically. To the earth, chemically. To the rest of the universe, atomically… We are stardust brought to life, then empowered by the universe to figure itself out… Each of us is alive against stupendous odds. We won the lottery to be here. We get to invoke our faculties of reason to figure out how the world works. We also get to smell the flowers. We get to bask in divine sunsets and sunrises and gaze deeply into the night sky. We get to live and ultimately die in this glorious universe.”

When we look at life and death from this perspective it doesn’t take our grief away—and it may not ease our acute pain in our time of loss—but it gives us a sense of just how incredible it is for us to be here, in this moment, living, against all odds. It also helps us to appreciate the opportunity we have before us to make space for joy and hope in our lives, once we feel ready. May you remember that this opportunity is out there, at your fingertips, whenever the time feels right to you.

Want to ask your own question?

Neither Alex Wright-Moore, nor HerCanberra receive any kickbacks, commissions, gifts or fees for mentioning anything contained within.