What NOT to say to single people
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I am no stranger to unsolicited advice.
I have two children so I have always been exposed to it—and it seems there is always someone around to share their views and offer unwanted advice on a subject they really know nothing about.
I am sure there are people who will be able to relate to these and chances are you have even said some of these comments to single friends and family members. On behalf of all people considering leaving their marriage, recently separated or divorced; please stop with the advice unless we ask for it.
Here are several classics I have had thrown at me multiple times since I separated. As you will see, none of them are particularly helpful.
“Oh no, the kids will be devastated, have you thought about how you will tell them?”
Only every single moment in the lead up to making this decision. I have played out every possible scenario in my head multiple times. I have shed endless tears about the fact that my kids will soon be from a “broken” family. In fact, the kids are the reason I didn’t do this years ago.
As it turns out, they weren’t devastated, and their life isn’t ruined. They have a happy mum and dad and there is no more arguing and tension flowing through the house all day. Believe it or not, the kids are important to the parent, possibly even more important than they are to you.
“Have you really tried to make things work/all marriages are hard, you just need to give it time/for better or for worse”
No one goes into a marriage expecting it to end and you don’t just wake up one day and think:
“Gee, you know what? This is a bit boring and hard now. I might turn my whole world upside down and go out on my own.”
Separation and divorce are usually the final step after months or years of arguments, marriage counselling, holidays with the kids, holidays without the kids, date nights, compromises and trying so incredibly hard to fix something that really can’t be fixed. Yes, we have tried. By the time you are hearing about the separation, we have exhausted all avenues.
“How will you manage?”
I have no f**cking clue to be honest, but I will. I would rather struggle every day and start from scratch rebuilding my life and career than spend one more minute wasting my life unhappy.
“Do you really want to start all over again in your 40’s, 50’s etc?”
No. Of course not. I’m old, I have two kids, I’m exhausted all the time, I do not look anywhere near as young and vibrant as I was the last time I was single—not to mentionthe pool of available men has significantly decreased. I do not want to be starting over again. However, shit happens and better to be starting over and be happy than to decide to stay in a marriage that is making everyone miserable.
“Have you been on the apps?”
Thank you for that hot tip. Yes, of course I’ve been on the apps. It was the first thing I did when I moved out. I was so excited and how the hell else does anyone meet these days?
“What do you mean there are no men on the apps, you are being too picky!”
This used to make me so angry and usually brought on several swear words followed by me aggressively opening the apps and shoving them in their face while demanding they swipe through and find me one decent man. Smug, sheltered relationship people. You have no idea. I just laugh now and show them the screen shots of the very worst ones.
“Focus on yourself, not men”
Yes, I know. I will, I will, but in the meantime, I am single for the first time since I was 22 years old and I had forgotten how to feel like a woman and not just mum. I had zero self-confidence and didn’t like my body. I didn’t feel attractive or sexy or worthy and you know what? Sometimes I just wanted superficial validation from a man to make me feel a little better. My self-confidence has slowly grown since I started dating. Not just from the affirmations from men but also in the process of getting dressed up and being out in the world, the confidence of being able to be my true self and knowing that is enough and also attractive to people. It’s an important part of the process.
“Maybe you and your partner will get back together when you have had some time apart”
Dude. Unlikely. This wasn’t an impulse decision or a mid-life crisis similar to buying a red sports car. This decision was agonised over and thought about for a very long time by both of us. I know it is hard to be around that pain and it makes you uncomfortable, but I can honestly say that I have never been happier, my kids are happier and my ex is happier. We get along better now than we ever have before and it just works. Absolutely no desire to try again and the feeling is mutual. I also wouldn’t mess with my kids’ heads like that. This is permanent.
“Aren’t you lonely?”
Sometimes. I distracted myself a lot in the beginning with dates and social engagements. I threw myself into work and sorting my new life out. Then things settled and the reality set in, but I rarely feel lonely in the sense of being solo day to day and living alone. Sometimes I feel lonely having lost my person, my life partner but I never sit in it for too long. I have amazing friends and my kids to keep me busy.
“Get back out there, don’t give up. You have to be in it to win it”
I will when I am ready. Back off.
Did I miss anything? I am sure there is plenty more out there. My unsolicited advice for you now is to do the same thing a mother must do when the old lady passively aggressively tells you that your baby’s dummy is going to ruin her teeth. Smile and nod and get as far away from there as possible
