The workplace harassment tactic many Canberrans may not recognise
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Work should empower you to showcase your talents while challenging you professionally – not leave you feeling emotionally exhausted before the day even begins.
Yet one of the most damaging aspects of workplace bullying is how it gradually wears you down over time. What may start as a difficult conversation or uncomfortable moment can turn into full blown dread, leaving those at the receiving end struggling with persistent anxiety, loss of confidence and depression.
But what happens when workplace bullying or harassment does not appear aggressive or obvious on the surface?
These are all common signs of sealioning: an emerging term that originated in online discourse and is used to describe a pattern of behaviour many people recognise but find difficult to name. The pattern is consistent with research on workplace incivility, coercive control and harassment, and its effects can be as serious as more overt forms of bullying.
Leadership coach Dr Kim Vella, explains that from a sociological perspective, sealioning represents a manipulative interpersonal dynamic that hides behind the appearance of rational discussion and polite engagement.
“Sealioners tend to maintain the appearance of professionalism and civility while repeatedly redirecting conversations away from resolution and back into debate. Under the guise of curiosity and constructive discussion, the cumulative effect on the target can be exhausting and undermining, and the pattern warrants a deliberate response regardless of the perpetrator’s intent.”
Because of the nature of a sealioner’s approach, Kim says it can be difficult for people to recognise the pattern at first and put a finger on why the interactions are affecting them so deeply.
However, the compounding effect of sealioning can be as emotionally and mentally damaging as more overt forms of workplace bullying and harassment. It typically involves a series of repeated behavioural patterns, such as:
- Conversations that become circular and rarely reach a resolution.
- Finding yourself repeatedly explaining or defending points that were already made clear.
- Continuously being asked for more clarification or proof, even after providing reasonable answers.
- Noticing that the person selectively ignores information that would normally resolve the conversation.
- Behaviour that appears polite on the surface but consistently feels antagonistic or undermining.
- Interactions that leave you mentally drained, emotionally unsettled or constantly questioning yourself.
“Sealioners may engage very differently with their target than with other people. Collegial and reasonable with some, yet persistent and undermining with their target,” explains Kim.
“This selectivity is part of what makes the behaviour difficult to name and harder to raise with others. It has nothing to do with rank. This pattern can emerge from a direct report, peer or manager.”
For those dealing with sealioning behaviour at work, Kim suggests a four-stage approach:
- Name it
- Document the pattern
- Engage HR early – don’t carry the full weight of resolution alone
- Conserve your energy and resist the urge to justify, argue, defend or over-explain
“When you understand how sealioners work, you recognise that traditional relationship or conflict management techniques may not be effective. They are based on the premise that you can use open discussion and empathy to try find common ground,” explains Kim.
“Yet open discussion is exactly where the sealioner thrives and never reaching common ground can destabilise you. The best response is to understand what they are doing and avoid feeding the cycle with endless engagement.”
Kim says that once you begin to starve sealioners of the reaction and emotional energy they’re seeking, they may escalate their behaviour in an attempt to provoke a response.
“Maintaining a measured, consistent response through this period is important, though it’s not a guarantee of resolution and should be guided by HR engagement and appropriate documentation.”
Because sealioning can be as destructive as any other form of workplace bullying, Kim also recommends reaching out to professionals for support. This could include talking to a professional coach and seeing a psychologist.
“If you’re in this situation you need to conserve your energy and consider your choices. Don’t just write it off because it’s hidden in plain sight,” she says.
“No one should ever feel demoralised or unsafe at work and this pattern of selective, persistent harassment is recognisable. When you can name it, you can change how you respond to it deliberately.”“It’s also worth remembering that you don’t have to resolve this alone. Under Australian workplace health and safety law, employers have a duty to manage psychosocial hazards, and persistent harassment is one of them. Engaging HR, even informally, activates that obligation and ensures the situation is on record.”
To learn more about personalised leadership coaching with Dr Kim Vella, visit Kim Vella Coaching.
Disclaimer: The information provided in this article does not constitute professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, psychologist, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition.
