Ask A Results Coach: Why is change so hard? How can I find some stability and peace?

Posted on 4 January, 2023

Feeling dizzy from the amount of change our world has thrown at us over the past few years?

Seeking some stability, inner peace or strategies for dealing with it all? Enter Alex Wright-Moore, a Results Coach who has kindly offered to answer HerCanberra readers’ questions—and share her knowledge with the HerCanberra audience.

Each month, Alex will explore some of the ways we can better understand what challenges us and empowers us to find solutions.

“I am struggling to keep up with the pace of change in these times. Why is change so hard? Can you help me with strategies on how to get back some stability and peace in this crazy rollercoaster of life? Surely life can’t be an endless change loop?!”

Coming to terms with a future where greater change and uncertainty is the only thing which appears to be certain can feel anxiety-inducing, destabilising and overwhelming.

Our lived experience of change in recent years has taught us that change is largely messy, unexpected, difficult, expensive, chaotic and ongoing, with the capacity to wreak havoc on even our best laid plans and significant milestones. So, where do we look for fit-for-purpose tools to help us navigate change and uncertainty in such times?

Most of society’s accepted models for managing change (such as those referenced here) encourage us to navigate change with a series of linear steps and a clear beginning and end state. Many of these frameworks are predicated upon key concepts of planning, preparation, communication, monitoring and evaluation.

But the world we currently find ourselves in does not play by predictable rules, nor does it always allow us to proactively approach change with such precise coordination in our personal and working lives. Put simply, the existing models do not adequately cater for ongoing cycles of transition and there are just too many unknown variables to give us certainty that traditional change management strategies will be effective in the modern age.

So, instead of looking externally for solutions, we may actually find the best answers are inside of ourselves and firmly within our grasp. As a result, this month’s column focuses on what we as individuals have the power to do in our day-to-day lives, to foster a greater sense of peace and stability when uncertainty and change is rife.

We can embrace realistic expectations (of ourselves, others and of life itself)

When life demands that we step forward into the unknown with confidence, having realistic expectations of our own capabilities, the behaviour of others and of life itself, can help us to navigate the unexpected with a greater sense of acceptance, resilience and calm.

When we do not expect to be happy 365 days a year or 24/7. When we appreciate that feeling fearful, worried or anxious about the future is a normal part of human existence—and when we understand that we are not missing out when we hold adequate space for ourselves to process these hard emotions—it can help us surrender to the reality of our circumstances and improve our peace of mind.

In her TEDx talk Curveballs and Blindspots: Navigating Uncertainty, leadership coach Bobbie LaPorte even encourages us to go one step further and let go of our expectations of maintaining control. As LaPorte acknowledges, this is often a default ‘autopilot mode’ for humans which shuts off choice.

“In a constantly changing and uncertain world, balance has left the building,” says LaPorte in her talk. “Without certainty, we feel that we don’t know anything anymore, and feelings of competence, confidence, and of being in control, disappear. To regain calm and confidence while we navigate complicated lives, we must be ready for anything.”

According to LaPorte, “being ready for anything” means that we must recognise the pitfalls of being in autopilot mode where we presume we will always have complete control over what occurs in our lives and what is coming next. Instead, we can focus on the things we can realistically control—our perspective, our choices and how we think, act and react—to help us to shift our focus to an outcome that balances both loss and possibility in these changing times.

To hear more about why LaPorte advocates this approach, check out the clip below.

We can enhance our emotional intelligence and self-soothing skills

Similarly, investing in strengthening our emotional intelligence (or EQ) and enhancing our ability to soothe ourselves in times of distress and fear is critical for navigating change and uncertainty with a greater sense of both stability and serenity.

It is also important to distinguish between stability and serenity when we are looking to increase our capability to manage change. The Merriam-Webster dictionary describes ‘stability’ as our physical and mental capacity to endure and restore our regular chemical or bodily conditions. Whereas, ‘serenity’ is defined as our ability to exude utter calm and unruffled repose or quietude in the face of storms or unpleasant change.

While, stability is often reliant upon chemical processes operating effectively in our bodies and minds (and medication may be required to regulate chemical imbalances for those impacted by health conditions), serenity is a learned skill which we can cultivate more of should we choose to.

Undeniably, we all have a range of healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms available to us when life doesn’t go to plan or if we feel overwhelmed. But if we are able to accurately identify and name the emotions we are feeling which are disrupting our sense of equilibrium, it can often help us establish healthy long-term habits for dealing with change.

Enhancing our emotional intelligence (or EQ) can play an essential role in fostering a sustainable sense of well-being and the Wheel of Emotions from the Junto Institute is a practical, easy-to-use tool designed to help us facilitate this process.

The Wheel of Emotions. Source: The Junto Institute.

Despite vast differences in culture around the world, research tells us that there are few attributes more central and universal to the human experience than our emotions. While the broad spectrum of emotions we are all capable of experiencing can be difficult to articulate, the Junto Institute recommends using the wheel in the following way to foster greater emotional intelligence:

“Think about how you’re feeling right now or how you’ve been feeling recently, and select one or more of the core emotions. From there, follow the colour wedges and choose related words in the middle and outer sections that may better reflect how you’re feeling. Think about why you’re feeling those emotions; take time to reflect or journal. To build your self-awareness over time, use the wheel at different moments in a day, at different places you spend time, and when you are with different people.”

When paired with the Wheel of Emotions, effective techniques for self-soothing also include:

1. Scheduling in ‘worry time’ to help reduce the amount of time spent worrying about things beyond one’s ability control. Instructions and guidance about this practice can be found here.
2. Engaging in mindfulness meditations around the theme of change and uncertainty (such as this one here) which may be more suited to those who prefer to invest in calming practices before bedtime.
3. Becoming consciously aware of the ‘seasons of transitions’ which tend to impact our lives to help us acknowledge that often we are not alone in our feelings and there are bigger shifts at play which may be impacting our state of being, thoughts and broader environment. More information about conscious transitions can be found here and free resources can be accessed here.

The Seasons of Transitions. Source – Sheryl Paul, Conscious Transitions.

For any interested in learning more about the seasons of transitions, author and anxiety counsellor, Sheryl Paul, offers a free e-book on The 7 Most Common – and Traumatic – Life Changes which provides a practical resource to assist in understanding and navigating change at critical life points.

We can focus on our next step

Finally, one of the most effective self-soothing strategies for our brain in times of profound or ongoing change can simply be focusing on our next immediate step (as opposed to the long-term picture or a series of steps).

Why? Because it helps us to live in an ‘immediate return environment’ where our actions instantly deliver clear and immediate outcomes.

In his work The Evolution of Anxiety: Why We Worry and What To Do About It and his New York Times bestseller, Atomic Habits, James Clear says that it is only recently (during the last 500 years) that our society has shifted to a ‘delayed return environment’.

“Most of the choices you make today will not benefit you immediately. If you do a good job at work today, you’ll get a pay check in a few weeks. If you save money now, you’ll have enough for retirement later. Many aspects of modern society are designed to delay rewards until some point in the future,” states Clear.

“This is true of our problems as well. While a giraffe is worried about immediate problems like avoiding lions and seeking shelter from a storm, many of the problems humans worry about are problems of the future… But the human brain did not evolve for life in a delayed-return environment and was designed to value immediate returns,” Clear concludes.

Hence, with the pace of change increasing exponentially compared to prehistoric times and our brain evolution yet to catch up, we are living in an environment where we need to create immediate returns for ourselves in the face of uncertainty.

So, how do we do this?

Clear advocates for us to create goals we can measure and shift our worries from the long-term problems to a daily routine that will solve our problem. In essence, we can do this by asking ourselves questions such as: What can I do today that can ease my worry? What is the next step I can focus on and follow through with? What is within my control to change immediately? What immediate action will help me survive and thrive today?

After all, this is how our ancestors survived change in an ancient world with high stakes. Our ancestors built their confidence in their own next step and followed through by thinking of immediate, achievable gains to survive. What’s more, they applied this approach consistently over time to make progress in the face of uncertainty. This is why we are all here today and this may very well be the most reliable means of navigating the path ahead with greater surety and peace.

Want to ask your own question?

Neither Alex Wright-Moore, nor HerCanberra receive any kickbacks, commissions, gifts or fees for mentioning anything contained within.