Diary of an IVF baby: Part Three
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The journal you’re about to read was scratched and scribbled down on the road to our second baby, our darling Eugenie.
It was a coping mechanism for me—especially in the down times—with the hope that one day I might sit down, just like I am now to transcribe my words, and hope that my story might help some of the other amazing, strong, lady warriors out there as they ride the unpredictable train that is their IVF journey.
CONTENT WARNING: This series contains themes that some readers may find distressing.
READ PART ONE HERE AND PART TWO HERE
31 October 2016
Nil response to Gonal F. Upped the dose to 100 units each night with a blood test on 4 November 2016. Am ANGRY at how long this is taking and frustrated at so many needles. Stomach is bruised and sore. Totally sick of this. Might just give up and spend money on a holiday getaway instead.
4 November 2016
Blood test results confirm (drumroll please) no change in levels! Have been told to up the dose to 125 units of Gonal F then have a blood test on Monday. Am thoroughly sick of the jabs (two weeks of them now!!) and really hope this dose works as am tired and vague and strange. The hormones might not be registering in blood levels, but they are making me crazy. Am also very emotional and am overreacting to everything. Doesn’t make life easy for anyone at the moment.
7 November 2016
Blood test. Stay on 125. Blood test on Wednesday. Pin pricks all over stomach and arm veins. The worst ones are when you accidentally hit a larger vein in your stomach and it bleeds.
9 November 2016
“Come for another blood test and ultrasound tomorrow” voicemail recording waiting for me this afternoon. No one is enjoying this.
10 November 2016
Had the ultrasound. Have around seven massive follicles on each side. Even my lazy left ovary has been dragged kicking and screaming into doing something by the exorbitant Gonal F dose. It probably knew I would cut it out myself if it didn’t perform this time.
The blood test results confirmed that we could trigger tonight and come back for a blood test next Tuesday. Start Endometrium progesterone tablets (three per day) on Tuesday also. Possible transfer on Thursday 17th November. Feel agitated. Like I want to scratch out my insides.
12 November 2016
Post-trigger of a couple of handfuls of follicles and I feel like my insides are about to pop. Like one of those bloating carcasses in a paddock. Very sore and uncomfortable. Just called the nurses and they said it was all ‘normal’. This doesn’t feel normal at all.
15 November 2016
Blood test. Very high progesterone. But that is good right? Other than making me gassy, gross in the tummy, bloated, itchy and vague then it’s all actually very positive.
17 November 2016
Blood test. Progesterone at 620 so still high. Got the go ahead so had a transfer. It’s a very weird process having so many people in the room when you ‘get pregnant’.
You’re lying there on the bed with your feet in stirrups—up on the big screen is your little embryo (or blastocyst or whatever it’s called) and then the doctors all do their checks and the little one is sucked up into the turkey baster and you have to stay really still while they pop it in and you watch another ultrasound screen while they flush it into your uterus and hopefully cheer if it hits the mark.
Then you wait while they check the tubes of the turkey baster just to check the little one didn’t get stuck on the tube. Feel so lucky to have had a transfer today after the blood test. Just crossing all fingers and toes that this little one sticks. Had an auditor in the room for the transfer—surely that bodes well!
I have a blood test on Saturday to see if progesterone is staying high or plummeting. Then pregnancy test on 28th November. Waiting. Waiting.
19 November 2016
Blood test. Progesterone dropped from 680 to 40 today…well that isn’t good. Nurses were doing the tone of ‘this hasn’t worked but I can’t tell you that until your progesterone levels have totally crashed to zero’. Epic cramping in my tummy and feel faint and gross. Rang the nurses because of cramping pain. They said it was normal. Wanted to ask ‘Normal for if it’s not working?!’ in a panicked scream down the phone. Didn’t. Self control, check.
28 November 2016
In the lead up to today I’ve had cramping then spotting then cramping then spotting. Had the blood test this morning and watched the clock until the nurses called through the results. Nurses usually call with good news before 12. Bad news they save until after they’ve had their lunch. Got the call at 1300. Braced myself for bad news. I couldn’t believe my ears when the IVF nurse’s first words were ‘Congratulations!’ Apparently, things have improved—bHCG was 350, Progesterone 180 and Oestrogen 5000. I asked them to check that it was my file!
I have to keep going with progesterone tablets (endometrin) and pessaries (progesterone) and have another test on Thursday. Please, please, please let this one work—cannot believe I am pregnant!
21 December 2016
So, over the last few weeks I have had a few more blood tests, all of which show hormones tracking upwards in the right direction. Also, I am tired, bloated and my boobs hurt.
I keep waiting for someone to give me bad news but instead we reached another incredible milestone—we went in for our seven week check. I was sure we would receive crushing news but wait…there is the heartbeat on the screen!! A HEARTBEAT! Husband grabbed my legs as I was lying on the bed and started dancing a jig. I asked about additional genetic testing, but the doctor said there was no need as the embryo was already PGD tested. Also because of the testing the IVF Doctor said she could tell us the gender—it’s a GIRL! I am stunned and amazed and cannot believe our luck. Come on little one—keep growing!
Our next appointment is the obstetrician on 6 January 2017 then the 12-week scan on 23 January 2017—bring on the new year!
6 January 2017
Shithouse news.
We went in for our first scan with the Obstetrician today. Midwife appointment was all fine then we had an ultrasound. I asked ‘Oh do you think we could hear the heartbeat again?’. She looked me in the eye and said, ‘No. Because I don’t think there is one’. She then sent us over to the hospital ultrasound place and they did a long and heartbreaking internal ultrasound that showed a baby shape in my uterus but no heartbeat.
The obstetrician had mentioned that our little girl had stopped growing at eight and a half weeks. Absolutely gutted and feel empty—except I am not empty. I have a dead baby in my belly. I feel numb. At the ultrasound place I had tears streaming down my face and an office lady handed me a wad of tissues with my check-in paperwork—it wasn’t until a full five minutes later that I realised the tissues were for me to use.
Totally blindsided by this. Had just started to believe it had worked. Lots of crying. Husband has been great. Have been told to stop the progesterone and ‘hope’ the miscarriage occurs naturally. If not, a D&C (dilatation and curettage) is in my future for next week or the one after.
A specialist—can’t remember which one—said that it was ‘bad timing’ to have a miscarriage what with the Christmas holidays/start of the year as not many places were open for a D&C. My sincerest apologies to you all for my terrible timing.
This is awful. It’s like a terrible dream. One of the medical people said it was called a ‘missed miscarriage’, that term just seems so cruel. It insinuates that I accidentally forgot to keep being pregnant. That somehow this is all my fault. Wearing maxi pads and anticipating the flood to start.
7 January 2017
Still no period. The IVF centre called and said that on Monday the specialist would call the ‘Early Pregnancy Centre’ (gasp, that’s a kick in the teeth, need I remind them I AM NOT PREGNANT?!), whatever that is and that they would be in contact to discuss ‘next steps’. They hope that by coming off the progesterone the miscarriage will start and ‘resolve itself’. Otherwise a D&C is needed.
For some reason I really don’t want the D&C. Murphy’s Law means I will have to have one. Lovely friends have already sent flowers, ‘Happy Miscarriage’ flowers are what I have called them. Probably inappropriate. Black humour is my friend.
Am a mix of devastated, really pissed off with nothing and everything, irritable, sad, vacant, scared about ‘next steps’, frustrated and empty. I fluctuate between bursts of productivity and being unable to stand, move or talk. Things are tough.
9 January 2017
Took Misoprostal (the drug that starts a miscarriage). Will document any effects. Hope they are swift. The doctors said it could take up to a week to kick in. Took the four tablets at 1645. It is now 1845. Could be mild cramping starting or just my stomach dealing with the first real food I have had all day.
9 pm: Initial pink spotting and gross clot. Only teeny tiny cramping that I thought was all in my head. Not sure if this is a slow build or if it’s going to escalate fast. Overnight a bit more cramping and felt bleeding.
10 January 2017
5:21 am: Passed a few clots. Mild to nothing cramping. Will ask for another day off. Feeling sad and worthless. Steady bleed all day but cramping not bad enough for painkillers. Made a new appointment with the IVF specialist (Specialist on 21 February 2017, IVF Nurses on 23 February 2017)— it helps to focus on the future. One chunk looked greyish and a bit globulous. I think that was her. Felt different mentally after she passed. Empty. Lovely people keep sending lovely flowers.
15 January 2017
Attended a friend’s baby shower yesterday. Wanted to burst with joy for them and burst into tears for myself. Did neither and found a happy medium of what I hope was decorum. Still bleeding though today it was less constant and no need for maxi pads. Boobs hurting again though it feels like they are shrinking to normal size. Ultrasound tomorrow.
21 January 2017
Would have been 12 weeks today and gosh that hurts. The ultrasound showed 0.9mm of ‘products of conception’ were still left behind. I must’ve missed them too. Apparently, she started out as 3-4cm so most is out but had a bit to go.
It took a while for the results to be sent to the IVF specialist who then said I’d need to take more Misoprostyl. The hospital (early pregnancy assessment unit) called on Wednesday and then I had to go in and get three more of those hexagonal tablets.
Had more bleeding Thursday and Friday but I haven’t had much today so perhaps it’s all over. I have another ultrasound on Monday to confirm—hopefully it will show it’s all done and out and ‘clear’ and no D&C is needed.
The hospital called yesterday—the nurse was very good and said ‘don’t make a habit of this!’ I really, really hope I never have to go through this again. I’ve put on 4kgs in the last few weeks—a combination of eating my feelings and hormones I think. I’m aiming to eat better/healthier and be ready for the next round to begin at the end of February.
23 January 2017
I am screaming and screaming in my head. I want to run away but I can’t escape myself. This is a nightmare and my poor little brain just can’t seem to escape. The ‘products of conception’ have got bigger! I don’t understand how but the doctor says that I must have had a haemorrhaged into it to increase it in size. I shocked the ultrasound trainee by saying I felt like I had a ‘dead baby’ in my stomach.
I went into the appointment today thinking it would all be over, that we could move on from the failed round. I feel like shit. Parts of my poor perfect angel are stuck in my uterus and won’t come out. A baby I was supposed to hold in my arms and love. Now she is dead, and her heart isn’t beating anymore and I am in a nightmare.
PART FOUR TO FOLLOW NEXT SATURDAY…
READ PART ONE HERE AND PART TWO HERE.
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