Diary of an IVF baby: Part Five | HerCanberra

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Diary of an IVF baby: Part Five

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The journal you’re about to read was scratched and scribbled down on the road to our second baby, our darling Eugenie.

It was a coping mechanism for me—especially in the down times—with the hope that one day I might sit down, just like I am now to transcribe my words, and hope that my story might help some of the other amazing, strong, lady warriors out there as they ride the unpredictable train that is their IVF journey.

CONTENT WARNING: This series contains themes that some readers may find distressing.

READ PART ONE HERE, PART TWO HERE, PART THREE HERE AND PART FOUR HERE.

~

24 April 2017

Another blood test. Progesterone 69, bHCG 88,805. Looking ok. Scan on 26th to see if there is a heartbeat. Sore boobs, super emotional and irritable and tired. Not sure if it’s the hormones or the stress that this is all going to go bad

26 April 2017

Scan at IVF specialist today. There was a heartbeat. Not a loud one, but a definite one and one that husband and I couldn’t believe was there! Too scared to be excited just yet. Another scan on 10 May to see how things are going. Hopefully little one still has a heartbeat by then. I have to stay on the two Oripro and three Endometrin til at least then.

I know I should be excited, but the potential for failure in addition to the drugs just has me feeling gross. Asked the Doctor to tell us the gender—she is a little girl! Sore boobs. Very tired and super-bloated belly.

5 May 2017

Blood test today. Progesterone 87. bHCG over 100000. IVF doctor said I can come off one of the Oripro pessaries so from tomorrow I will have one Oripro at night and three endometrin during the day. Another blood test on Monday morning.

8 May 2017

Another blood test. Progesterone dropped to 73 which apparently is fine, so they told me to drop an endometrin—just one in the morning, one in the evening and one Oripro at night! Another blood test on Wednesday.

10 May 2017

Blood test showed Progesterone of 84 so I get to come off one more Endometrin so just the one in the morning and one Oripro at night. Had final appointment with the IVF specialist—there was still an amazing heartbeat and a baby shape with little waving arms and an umbilical cord. She was actually moving around in there! Not that I could feel it and it was just amazing to see her!

I have booked the nuchal scan to occur on 29 May and corresponding blood test for it is 15 May.

11 May 2017

Cramping all day today. Not severe but in the exact location she would be in.

Scared.

12 May 2017

First visit back to obstetrician since the last time—aargh! I was so scared. Baby was absolutely fine though. She is measuring at 10 weeks and one day so a bit bigger than the nine weeks five days she is! This means a due date of around 7 December 2017!

A much much happier visit than last time. The weight of the stress and fear has been crushing and I felt it all lift sitting in the waiting room after the obstetrician (before the midwife appointment). Truly amazing to see her heart pumping and arms waving! Come on little one—we already love you so much—please keep growing and be ok.

Next test is the nuchal blood test on 22 May followed by an ultrasound on 29 May. The waiting continues. The obstetrician saw a cyst near my bladder during the scan. I had a blood test and my progesterone was 72 so they told me to stop all pessaries after the last one tomorrow night then another blood test on Monday.

15 May 2017

Another blood test. Progesterone down to 54—the nurse said it was ok though as they expected it to drop now I’m off all pessaries. Am hoping it stays stable and they’ve said no more pessaries—so that’s my last link to the IVF clinic cut!

Hopefully until they hear the good news about my baby arriving. Last night I felt a painful ‘pop’—I’m paranoid it was the cyst on my bladder and what it might have popped into near the baby.

22 May 2017

Blood test for the nuchal scan today. Frustrated with all the waiting. Can’t wait ‘til this time next week to know she is ok. Feel light in the tummy—not sure if that is good or bad.

28 May 2017

Twelve weeks today. Test tomorrow. Out of my brain with stress that things will go bad. No reason to think this. Just fear.

29 May 2017

Thank goodness and all the universe! She is ok. The ultrasound technician was so good and said, ‘Baby is perfectly normal’. It was up there with the best 30 minutes of my life seeing little 6cm baby kick and punch and roll around! She has a cute little face and elbows! Growing fingers also! SO GOOD!

Today was the nuchal scan and we have a one in 4000 chance of Down syndrome, which for my age is apparently good! All good for size and development—I just cannot believe that the news is GOOD!

We celebrated with much ice cream and told family and close friends. Nervous and scared still but letting little drips of excitement in every so often—rationing them so I don’t go crazy. Also told work and they were great. Good news all round! This all seems too good to be true.

13 June 2017

I’m terrified as a constant state. Huge anxiety and panic at every twinge or indigestion/gas/tight pant pain. I am so scared I will lose this baby like last time. I’m having nightmares where they (the doctors in my dream) tell me the baby isn’t there anymore or has a brain haemorrhage or has some other crushing and ultimately life-ending disaster.

It is ridiculous I know as everything to this point has been fine. Just needed to record that this constant, unrelenting fear is colouring everything right now. We have another test tomorrow. Hope like crazy everything is ok.

14 June 2017

Obstetrician appointment today and all is fine! The obstetrician was frustrated (in a restrained medical professional way) and checked the heartbeat right away before I insisted she also provide an ultrasound—again more insisting it wasn’t needed and me insisting I wasn’t going to relax ‘til I saw baby was ok. Her frustration was reassuring in that I figure she would have been more willing to do an ultrasound if there was anything other than ‘normal’ going on.

She told me I needed to focus on the fact that our firstborn baby arrived perfect and safe and healthy rather than the failures in between. Good advice, I guess. I am working to get levels of stress down from blind panic to just base level anxiety.

Next obstetrician appointment on 21 July 2017. Am slowly trying to let myself believe this will work. Need to stop eating my feelings—gestational diabetes will be a thing if I don’t stop with the emotional stress stuffing of my face. Cannot believe this baby girl is still growing strong. I love her already.

16 July 2017

Still pregnant. 19 Weeks today. If I have my way this is officially halfway! Hormones and stress not doing me any favours. I feel permanently panicked that I will miscarry. I feel judged by the people around me who think I am crazy to ‘still be worried’ and I feel harassed by those telling me what to do so I can ‘relax’. I’m singlehandedly alienating myself from everyone around me. Another scan this Friday. Five more sleeps.

21 July 2017

Currently in the Doctors waiting room. The last five-and-a-bit weeks have been a tortured and anxious wait. This last 30 minutes (she is running late) is doing my head in. Please, please let everything be ok…

Later that day…

Everything is ok! I still can’t seem to accept good news! The obstetrician appointment confirmed her heartbeat is still going strong and her size is right on point!

I had another ultrasound right after the appointment as part of the 20-week check-up and ‘she’ was confirmed as a ‘she’! And she is fine. Heartbeat. Heart with four chambers, brain, arms and fingers! They just couldn’t see her ankles/feet properly so we go back for a scan in four weeks for another look—I cannot wait.

I asked the technician if they were really concerned about her ankles. The lovely technician said, very kindly, ‘The chance of something being wrong is exceptionally low; however, I think I may be correct in considering you may benefit from another chance to see her’. Medical professionals are amazing.

10 August 2017

22.5 weeks at the moment. I must finally be getting more relaxed about this pregnancy. A reduction in crushing fear and panic = less diary entries it seems. At the moment I am at home, sick as a dog with the flu. The only nasal spray I can take is unmedicated and useless. Sticking saline spray up your nose is as useful as getting dunked in the sea.

I caved in and had two doses of Panadol in the last two days. That’s the only painkillers I’ve taken this pregnancy so far. Feel bad for my baby but the Panadol definitely helped me to rest. I can feel her moving these days and she is getting stronger. I don’t fit into normal clothes anymore. Constipation and heartburn and weight gain are the less glamorous side effects but all good otherwise.

10 September 2017

27 weeks today. Have been remiss with writing, primarily because I am a big ball of tired at the moment and have been sleeping at any opportunity. Other fun symptoms include heartburn (Mylanta, seriously I should have taken out shares), leg cramps in the night and constipation. But the big news is I keep feeling her move. So good.

The check-up in August was all fine, she had all the right parts in all the right places, though she was measuring at the 70th percentile in size! Of course, this triggered me into panicking about gestational diabetes—I’ll book in for a test in the next few weeks (week 28 is best apparently) and I need a whooping cough booster too. The jabs never end!

I have been pretty sick in the last few weeks with a bronchial infection followed by asthma triggered by the infection. I didn’t need antibiotics but I’m now on a steroid puffer and Ventolin puffer for the next few weeks.

At least I can breathe again and the coughing fits that had me vomiting and wetting myself (thank you zero pelvic floor) are ending. Must do more pelvic floor exercises. Next appointment is 22 September.

18 September 2017

Had the Glucose Tolerance Test today. Three blood tests over two-and-a-bit hours. Fingers crossed for a good result! Also, am waaaay constipated—it’s horrendous and demoralising. I should drink more water and eat more salads and just be grateful that it’s happening because it likely means my progesterone levels are through the roof. Ridiculous that there are side effects to chemicals produced by our own bodies.

I am craving chips and chocolate in a bad way and seem to just be shovelling as much of both as I can into my mouth before the results of the gestational diabetes test come back. Please, please, please don’t let me have gestational diabetes.

I have the whooping cough booster this Friday at the obstetrician appointment. Am looking well pregnant now. Someone asked me if I was sure I wasn’t having twins the other day. I just keep smiling to myself that I am actually pregnant.

23 September 2017

GTT test was ALL CLEAR! I can keep eating chocolate! All other levels of things are fine except Iron and so I am on FerroGradC for the rest of the pregnancy. I also had my whooping cough booster jab because at 28 weeks you can.

Feeling very tired and not exercising as much as I should/want to. Also, have developed acne. WTAF. Seriously popping 10 pimples before bed. I hope its hormones causing this and not the kilos of chocolate I’m going through. I can feel baby move a few times per day which is just the best. Next appointment in three more weeks.

15 October 2017

Another obstetrician appointment on Friday—all is going fine. I forgot my card that they write all the details on and the reception ladies took this as a direct indication of my ability to be a mother. Pretty sure a newborn will make enough noise for me to remember it is there.

Her heartbeat was all fine and the obstetrician couldn’t tell which way she was lying in my stomach. It feels like she is lying horizontally to the ground, no head up or down at the moment. My blood pressure was all ok also. My old friends constipation, heartburn and fatigue are back (I took a nap yesterday—I haven’t done that since I was three!) and am the size and similar shape to the Skywhale.

7 November 2017

35 weeks. Heartburn and so very tired. Last trip to the obstetrician was on 2 November at which I was told ‘She’s a bit small’ and I was given a ‘special activity’ of a vaginal swab to test for bacteria that might be harmful to the baby. Joy. At what stage do they return my dignity to me in a prettily decorated box? Lucky me.

I’m also constipated (I feel like I have mentioned this already, but seriously the struggle is real) and I have a permanent ache on my right-hand side which the Dr says is likely one of my ribs that’s been pushed out of alignment by my massive belly. My focus is slipping and I am way vague.

21 November 2018

Maternity leave started yesterday, and I am now 37 weeks along. She is moving during the day and in the evening and I can see what I think is a foot poking out the right side of my belly, it looks like an alien is trying to burst out when the foot ripples under my skin.

Maternity leave is amazing in that it has freed up the half of my brain that was dedicated to work so that I can fully focus on the fact that I am about to have a baby. I had a huge freak out when I finished up on Friday. It was like my brain went into denial “What do you mean no more work? What do I do now?! What happens if something happens to the baby? What if we run out of money?!’ and so it went on and on.

I was the personification of a gerbil in a chip packet and not much fun to be around (allegedly). I already seem to be calming down a bit though so hopefully the freak out at the change from work to leave is over.

I am cleaning everything that I can see but am firmly in denial that this is ‘nesting’ unless nesting also extends to buying every baby gadget under the sun. I feel like I am trying to exercise some control and if I can just organise everything enough she will come out safely. I’ve booked in an extra appointment with the mid-wife just to check that her heartbeat is ok. #paranoid. #pleasekeephersafe.

29 November 2017

In hospital. Went to the obstetrician yesterday as I’m now on weekly appointments. They were asking about ‘timings’ for baby’s arrival. I said I’d like her to arrive asap as I am concerned (shock) about the recent published research that says that as I’ve had IVF and am over 30 the risks for the baby increase.

They asked if I’d be happy to be induced and I agreed. They called the hospital and got me a spot for last night. All the while poor husband was sat looking like we were talking in a foreign language.

It suddenly became real and all he could say was ‘I think someone just threw a shell into my trench’. I’ll take that as excitement. Arrived at hospital at 1600 and had the Cervidel induction tape inserted at 1805 yesterday. It is now 0700 and nothing has happened other than me realising that hospitals are amongst the noisiest places on earth.

The nurses came to check on me at midnight and I was still wide awake. They gave me some temazepam (Google tells me this is Xanax!) and I slept until 0300. Then up properly at 0600. Not sure what today will bring and am scared out of my tiny little brain anticipating the needles and pain to come but am also scared for baby. I just want her to be here safe. Bored, impatient and scared. Good times.

30 November 2017

BREAKING! She arrived and is here safe. World, let me introduce you to Eugenie! She is safe and happy and perfect.

After writing the last entry, one of the maternity nurses took me to the delivery suite and the obstetrician broke my waters (gross and unpleasant and I am pretty sure his arm disappeared up to his elbow—vomit) then I paced the hall for an hour or so before they started me on an oxytocin drip. This apparently is the chemical that induces contractions and speeds up labour (not to be confused, as I did, with oxycontin, the very addictive drug).

For an addled moment I thought I was going to leave the hospital with a baby and a severe drug addiction but then remembered I was sleep deprived and in a high state of WTAF is happening, so calmed down and realised that hospital staff wouldn’t actually prescribe that for birth.

They kept upping the dose of the Oxytocin ‘til I hated the contractions and demanded an epidural, and once that blissful line was in I had a nap for six hours. I then woke up, informing the room that I needed to do a poo, at which point the midwives decided that what I actually meant was that I needed to have a baby. Easily confused apparently.

Twenty minutes later SHE was on my chest, bright red, covered in buttery vernix and screaming her beautiful head off. She is here. She is safe.

Epilogue

A few weeks after Eugenie’s arrival I received a call from one of the nurses at the IVF clinic. She started the call by saying ‘Do you have some good news for me?!’ While the cynical part of my brain jumped straight to ‘Oh this is the part where the collect stats on healthy births so they can pop another one in their annual report’, the rest of me was just filled with gratitude for all of the help that the clinic had given me.

Without them, I wouldn’t have the screaming, pooping, magnificent child in my lap. So I gushed and gave them all the details about her induced/natural/alive birth and status.

I thought of the ladies in the clinic waiting room at that moment, silent, staring at the floor, counting down to when their next test after this one would be and wondering whether they had time to pop home and get a long-sleeved top to cover their arms before work. I think of those ladies a lot these days.

I said thank you to the clinic and acknowledged that while I would likely never see them again, I would always be grateful for their help and their care. They wished me well, popped my details in their spreadsheet and moved on to the next patient. And then I stopped with the waiting.

I stopped counting down to the next date, the next test, the next injection or the next milestone and I put the diary down, to start the next amazing chapter of my life.

READ PART ONE HERE, PART TWO HERE, PART THREE HERE AND PART FOUR HERE.

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