Diary of an IVF baby: Part Four
Posted on
The journal you’re about to read was scratched and scribbled down on the road to our second baby, our darling Eugenie.
It was a coping mechanism for me—especially in the down times—with the hope that one day I might sit down, just like I am now to transcribe my words, and hope that my story might help some of the other amazing, strong, lady warriors out there as they ride the unpredictable train that is their IVF journey.
CONTENT WARNING: This series contains themes that some readers may find distressing.
READ PART ONE HERE, PART TWO HERE AND PART THREE HERE.
~
3 February 2017
Status Quo not changed. Physically that is. Better emotionally (well let’s face it, it’s a low bar). Went into meltdown on 25 January 2017 as was departing for overseas—had told clinics and specialists but somehow it hadn’t been recorded by them. Now their advice is ambiguous about whether I ‘should’ go. I think they are worried I could go into toxic shock or something and won’t be near medical assistance.
Felt empty, unsupported and scared. Also felt like I was supposed to carry the administrative load of arranging communications between the ultrasound clinic, IVF clinic and the IVF specialist. Hoping my emotional and pathetic outburst has helped and I get a bit more support.
I had a blood test as soon as I got back from overseas and the lovely nurse asked (based on the suite of tests) whether I was pregnant. As I had only just pulled it together from a previous bout of sobbing crying, the question and ensuing sympathy triggered instant wracking sobbing and disgusting snot-nosed crying. Good. Great. She thought I was scared of the needle and proceeded to baby me through. Pun intended.
Prior to travel overseas (26 January – 2 February) the specialist had freaked out and sent me a script for antibiotics just in case. I didn’t need them—no smelly grossness indicating rotting matter (trigger gag reflex) but she had made sure I came to see her asap after getting back.
So straight off the plane, showered and to the ultrasound which took an HOUR (it was an internal so I became very familiar with the stick, gag again). This included a 10-minute interlude where the technician needed to consult with her boss who came in to take a wee look too. Joy. Totally disempowering as clearly, they didn’t like what they saw but were not allowed to tell me about it. More tears.
Receptionist at the IVF Specialist much better and on top of things and was waiting for the results. She also sent me for a blood test and got me in to see the IVF specialist that day (refer above for how the blood test went). I was still crying when I get back to see the IVF specialist and she gave me a hug.
Apparently, there was still ‘products of conception’ remaining inside. She talked through options. Could do a D&C with ultrasound guidance but the ultrasound technician who could help was going on leave for two weeks (trigger more sobbing) or I could take Primolut to induce a period and see if it all clears out. She suggested waiting for a period (trigger more crying as I reminded her for the 555th time that I don’t get periods, hence needing IVF, hence sitting in her office).
She wondered if a raft of tests were needed to identify what the underlying cause of the most recent fail was. I said not yet as I have already had a happy healthy baby so it seemed unlikely I would have a huge genetic thing preventing this pregnancy. She agreed. She also talked about WHY this had happened (possible underlying reason) and said that in PGD-tested embryos there is only a 7% chance of it not working. Could have been a structural issue. Bleh. Makes me sad/angry that it was such a small chance and it happened.
So, in the end she agreed to try another round to see how it goes and hopefully it will all work out and there will be no need for ‘underlying causes’ tests. Started Primolut equivalent ‘Ralovera’ yesterday. Have to take four pills per day for 10 days then hopefully a period will happen. Then rescan and re blood test. Ralovera is Medroxyprogesterone. Need to be careful getting too crazy or emotional on this stuff.
Specialist emailed today. She is happy with the ultrasound scan, it still shows ‘retained products’ but only 15mm (previously 28 mm). Pregnancy test (BhCG) is almost zero so I need to get another test in 2-3 weeks. It has to be zero before we can start another round. I was scared of getting a molar pregnancy, but apparently dropping BhCG indicates it isn’t—thank goodness for that mercy. So now just waiting 10 days. Then re-scan after the period I will hopefully get and blood test to track the bHCG to zero. Come on. Make this cycle be over so we can try again. Next time will work.
8 February 2017
Day 7 of the 10-day course of Ralovera tablets (four each dose). Not feeling at all like myself but my eyes haven’t been affected this time, which is good. Am booked in for another scan on 20 February. Then the IVF specialist 21 February and the IVF clinic on 23 February. I am so sick of waiting for deadlines. Not fun.
11 February 2017
Day 10 of the Ralovera. Some small spotting and I have made the transition to full bitch. I even get irritated at myself. Poor husband has copped it for breathing too loudly, chewing, walking, being too caring, buying treats (because they will make me fat), for relaxing—and my all-time favourite—being ‘too critical’ (he wasn’t). Fingers crossed I improve a little. No concentration either. So basically, I am an angry vindictive goldfish at the moment.
20 February 2017
Blood test shows bHCG still at 7. Mother trucker. Ultrasound (pelvic and internal) didn’t show up much so we will see the IVF specialist tomorrow to see what next steps are.
20 February sounded like ages away when this all started—nearly two months on. So crushing thinking how far our little baby would have come if it had all worked out. Hard not to but I must stop thinking like that. At least today my uterus looked like it was getting back to normal.
Friend sent us an article about Jizo statues, little statues that mothers in Japan look after and visit to mourn lost babies and miscarriages. Bought one. Feels better to have something physical to remind us that she existed and was loved. Easier to mourn and move on but not forget.
6 March 2017
Weekly blood tests to track bHCG back to zero have been like pulling teeth. First it was 7. Then 4.8. Then 2.7 (the level needs to be below 2). Today it measured 1.8—technically zero—so two months after the pregnancy ended its finally over. Strange to feel happy it’s over. Perhaps relieved it a better word.
15 March 2017
On 21 February we met the IVF specialist to get the plan on another round. On 22 February I had a blood test where they took 12 tubes of blood to test for all kinds of things (including lupus) that might explain why the miscarriage occurred. All normal except a mutation on the enzyme that breaks down folic acid so they’ve put me on 5mg Folic acid per day plus Elevit. Had initial consult with the IVF clinic on 23 February so now that I am back to ‘baseline’ hormone levels we’ve started the new round. Off we go again.
Stimulated cycle with Puregon (follicle stimulating hormone aka FSH, daily dose 116) —jabs started Saturday 11 March. Isn’t too awful. Blood test today showed estrogen at 600, lutenising hormone at 0 and progesterone at 0 which apparently is what I need. Instructed to keep going with jabs and another blood test and ultrasound on Friday (17 March).
Am keen to see whether uterus looks normal again. The baby shape on the screen from last time is seared into my memory. Have had a bit of bleeding—seems strange but the nurse said it is sometimes caused by a rise in estrogen. Hormone rollercoaster commences again. Poor husband.
17 March 2017
Ultrasound showed an endometrium of 10mm and about 10 follicles each side with one dominant one, so all tracking well. Nurses said to start progesterone pessaries (400mg morning and night) and an endometrin tablet (at lunch) on 22 March and I have another blood test on Thursday 23 March with an estimated transfer day of 24 March.
24 March 2017
Did the Ovidrel trigger last Friday. Had blood test yesterday that showed progesterone of 75 which is good apparently. So, the transfer is scheduled for today at 1200. Very excited and petrified and impatient.
26 March 2017
I don’t feel so different and may or may not forget I might be pregnant. Not sure if that is a lack of physical symptoms (except for some cramping when I stood up this morning) or whether I have distanced myself from the possibility of it not working then I am just pretending it’s not happening and have my head in the sand.
Despite this I am having nil alcohol, nil caffeine and only pregnancy-friendly foods. Clearly there is the part of me that desperately wants this to happen. I think the rest of me is still numb after the last few months. Blood test tomorrow to check progesterone levels, and pregnancy test not ‘til 4 April. Am trying to stay positive.
27 March 2017
Had a blood test this morning to test progesterone levels—they dropped from 70 to 30. Apparently 30 is ok but dropping isn’t great. Told to up the dose from one Oripro pessary in the morning, one Endometrin ‘tablet’ at lunch and one Oripro at night to add two more Endometrin during the day. Gosh I hope it rises. Another blood test on Wednesday to see what happens.
1 April 2017
Blood test Wednesday showed another slight rise in progesterone to 35 and then to 45 on Friday. I am on one Oripro in the morning, three Endometrin during the day and two Oripro at night. Next blood test is Tuesday. Also meant to mention I had itching on Wednesday—that usually means I am about to get a period. Blurgh. Hope it doesn’t this time. The internet says it can mean a rise in progesterone so fingers crossed it’s that!
4 April 2017
Pregnancy test was POSITIVE! I have to keep going with the pessaries but levels are bHCG 350, Progesterone 65, Oestrogen >1000. Fingers and everything crossed.
7 April 2017
Another blood test. Things ‘tracking well’. Progesterone is 64 (I am on 2x Oripro and 3x Endometrin) Plus I am adding a second Oripro every second day. bHCG is 2229. All good! Am über paranoid and very worried despite the positive news as I have been itchy all over today—can’t be a good sign. Next blood test is next Thursday.
13 April 2017
Another blood test, all good news. bHCG at 13177, Progesterone 74. I have stopped supplementing an additional pessary every second day so just on two Oripro progesterone pessaries (4am and 9pm) and three endometrin progesterone tablets (9am, 12 noon, 6pm).
Feeling very emotional, irrational and irritable. Good sign? Too scared to let myself hope.
PART FIVE TO FOLLOW NEXT WEEK…
READ PART ONE HERE, PART TWO HERE AND PART THREE HERE.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.