Farting in your face, dodging questions about the tooth fairy and having mums so unhappy…
Who doesn’t love a bargain?
If I can get something 20% off the already reduced price I am in heaven. I’m cheap. In fact, I pride myself in being able to get a good discount and/or bargain. But, there is such a thing as something being TOO CHEAP or too much of a bargain! Truly.
I hear you say NO WAY! LIES! HERESY! HOW?… Okay, my friend here’s how…
A month or so ago I hurt my shoulder. Was it was it an injury from exercise? Or was it from sleeping in the afternoon on a jar of Nutella that was lodged in my bed? Who’s to say…?
So, I went to get a massage. It was a rainy old day in Sydney and being cheap, I was not looking for anyone who had a booking system. I just wanted to get in and out, with limited eye contact. I saw a massage place in the city, down a skanky back alley (in this same alley a man was clipping his toe nails with this teeth).
Despite this, I pushed on and in to the massage place because the sandwich board on the main street said “$13 for half hour massage” and THAT was what I wanted! Cheap!
I walked into a dimly lit, dull, musty place. I don’t think this place had been cleaned, literally ever. ‘Summer Rain’ was playing, softly. It was not ok, but before I could leg it, the woman who was working came right up to me. “Can I help you?” oddly holding a full box of donuts.
It was barren. Not a soul besides this woman and me. I was there one and only customer. (I may have been the only customer they had ever had, and the shop looked like it had been there for at least 15 years), however there was no way I walked in by accident, so I felt so obliged to get the massage.
After agreeing that $13 was the correct price, I laid down topless. The lady came in, eating one of the donuts and texting (professional) and asks me nonchalantly “what pleasure do you like?”
Oh. I see.
So at this point my inner monologue has gone ballistic – OMG, The “massage” is $13, everything else is extra! You idiot! What are you doing?! This was too cheap! Get out! Get OUT! This is an ending you don’t need to pay for!
Outwardly, I ask, “Sorry what now?”
She replies, “What pleasure do you like?” still with donut in her mouth.
At this point, I didn’t know what to do. I started to put my top back on, “I don’t need a massage that badly… what kind of massage is this?” I said to her.
The lady puts down her phone, clears her throat of donut laughing as she says “No no…. what PRESSURE do you like?”
Ohhhh pressure! NOT pleasure. (Heart rate returns to normal)
Before I got the chance to leave, she starts the massage, and it wasn’t bad to be honest. But the whole time I was thinking. Good lord. How will this end!? What’s going to happen at the end of the massage…?
After half an hour, my ordeal was over. I paid my $13 and I left. Would I do it again? No. It was too cheap. TOO CHEAP my friends.
She did give me one of her donuts though. Which, oddly enough, was a happy ending for me.
Tanya Hennessy co-hosts Ryan and Tanya weekdays from 6am-9am on Hit104.7. Read more about Tanya here: www.facebook.com/thetanyahennessy
Image of ‘colorful donuts‘ via Shutterstock