When love turns to fear: how new mums can plan for safety
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Motherhood is supposed to be a time of joy, but for many women, it can be clouded by the challenges of domestic and family violence.
If you’re in a relationship where control, fear, or violence dictate daily life, it can feel impossible to focus on your needs or even dream of a different future – especially during the perinatal period. But hope and help exist, even in the darkest moments.
Dr Yvonne Luxford, CEO of the Perinatal Wellbeing Centre, understands how overwhelming this time can feel even in the absence of domestic violence and coercive control.
“Changes to lifestyle, routine, family dynamics, finances, roles, and identity are common in the perinatal period, and these changes can be overwhelming. And this is why it is so important that mothers know they are not alone during this time.”
Leaving a DV relationship is a brave step, but it is also one of the most dangerous times for a woman to leave. The truth is, planning your departure carefully and quietly, one step at a time can be the key to making it out safely. It’s not just about leaving; it’s about building a pathway to long term safety and stability.
Starting the journey quietly
The first step is often the hardest: talking to someone. Confiding in a trusted friend, family member, or even a colleague who can be a safe point of contact. If that feels too risky, services like 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) are available 24/7 to offer confidential advice. They can guide you through the process and connect you with local resources.
While you’re still in the relationship, it is a good idea to start documenting incidents that occur. Keep a written or photographic record, detailing dates, and events, but make sure it’s stored somewhere your partner cannot access. These records can be vital for legal or custody proceedings in the future.
Planning for safety
Think about where you can go if you need to leave suddenly. Is there a friend’s house, a shelter, or even a local community centre that can be your haven? It’s also worth identifying rooms in your home that are safer—those with easy exits and no weapons—where you can retreat if tensions escalate.
Preparing small steps can also include gathering essential documents like IDs, bank details, and legal papers. Store them securely, perhaps with someone you trust, or in a digital format only you can access. Setting aside small amounts of cash can also give you some immediate freedom when you decide to leave.
Protecting yourself in the digital world
Technology can be a tool for control, so it’s critical to take precautions. While it might not be safe to update your passwords or disable location services on your devices, you can check for tracking software if you suspect it might be there. Women’s Legal Centre may assist with issues related to technology-facilitated abuse.
Reaching for professional support
Dr Luxford emphasises the value of seeking professional support even if this isn’t directly with a DV service.
“Making sure expectant and new mothers receive adequate support during the onset of perinatal wellbeing challenges can prevent symptoms worsening and eliminate the probability of individuals experiencing further isolation during an extremely vulnerable time in their lives.”
“Women can reach out to us, and although we don’t offer specialised domestic and family violence services, we can refer women to agencies that will be able to help.”
Canberra-based organisations such as Toora Women’s Inc can offer practical assistance and emotional support.
Choosing hope
Leaving a dangerous relationship isn’t just about walking out the door; it’s about stepping into a future where you and your children feel safe, respected, and free to live without fear. Every small action you take—whether it’s setting aside savings, documenting incidents or reaching out to a support service to start a conversation—is a step toward that brighter future.
“You are not alone. There are people and organisations ready to walk beside you, offering the tools and encouragement you need to find your way forward.”
Your safety matters, and so does your hope for a better tomorrow.
