Ask Dr Kelly: why is my libido AWOL?
Posted on
“Everyone’s inherent levels of desire are different.”
In the second instalment of a new HerCanberra series, Dr Kelly Teagle, GP and Women’s Health Specialist, answers your anonymous questions.
Dear Dr Kelly, I don’t take any medications, have [no] stress in my life, have the same partner and no kids. So why has my libido hit the floor?
This is a tricky one. There are many possible contributors to reduced libido, and just like fertility some of these are physiological and some are sociological.
Do you love your partner and feel loving towards them? Do you have any unresolved psychological or medical issues? Do you actually have “windows of opportunity” when you and your partner are together privately, feeling relaxed and well-rested for a decent amount of time? Do you touch your partner and share intimacies with them in a non-sexual way? Is there any pain or discomfort with sex?
I highly recommend Dr Rosie King’s book Where Did My Libido Go?. She summarises the main causes of reduced libido beautifully, which is a good start point for addressing it. As always, I highly recommend that you find a trusted health professional to talk to as well.
How much sex are you actually having?
Everyone’s inherent levels of desire are different. Some women will have sex every week and call it a dry spell, others might have sex monthly and consider that quite a lot.
Check out this previous article from last year, which might help you to accept that the level of libido you have is actually ok.
Hormones are a key physiological factor for women
Testosterone has a big role to play in sex drive; the more you have, the more you want it. We have a much lower level of testosterone than men to begin with, which halves between the ages of 20 and 40. It declines even more after menopause.
Declining estrogen levels with age further erode our libidos and can cause vaginal dryness and sexual pain. It’s actually in our physiology to have a lower libido as we age.
Having said that, a new sexual partner seems to enhance libido at whatever age you are so psychological factors can definitely triumph in the right setting.
Mismatched levels of desire are usually the main problem for people in relationships
If you were living alone and didn’t feel like having sex then that’s fine. Where it becomes an issue is if your partner wants it and you don’t, or vice versa.
No-one wants to feel like they’re having to pester their partner for sex all the time. If there is resentment building because one partner is feeling pressured and the other rejected then sometimes a relationship or sexual counsellor can help to break the cycle.
Leave a Reply