6 Foods I would Never Eat
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These foods are so unbelievably evil that it pains me to even type out their names.
Forget spiralling into a pool of inflammation. These foods will make every cell of your body cry out in despair. It’s gonna be a detox Christmas for you if you even sniff these nasty buggers.
I’m so passionate about increasing awareness about these toxic foods that I’ve convinced myself there’s definitely a conspiracy theory at play. A secret, underground organisation is using these foods to keep you stupid – I mean – sick. It knows that if you get your act together and eliminate these foods, that you’d have supreme health, rise up against them and overturn their regime. I even asked HerCanberra to conceal my name for this article. I’m actually fearing for my life.
Despite the danger, however, I’m willing to take the risk, because I care about your long term health and wellbeing. I know that despite all the problems with your life and all the chaos that’s out of your control, if you could only eat perfectly, by cutting out these foods, then your life would be complete. It would be amazing and all your problems would go away.
So… I’m blowing the whistle on this shit. Here are 6 foods that I would never eat…
Unicorn meat
Your brain will turn into sunshine and 80s music will be on a continuous loop in your head. Sing with me: “I’m walking on sunshine…whoaa ooh! And don’t it feel good?!” I’ve also heard you’ll fart rainbows. Apparently.
Unicorn meat: not recommended!
Real advice: Include unprocessed sources of red meat (if you’re a meat eater) 2-3 times per week. It’s a great source of protein and iron. Try this recipe, it’s unicorn meat free.
Canned squid
Some things just shouldn’t be in a can. Squid is one of those things. Literally, because I just think that. And I know stuff.
Canned squid: all kinds of wrong.
Real advice: Unprocessed seafood like squid, muscles, oysters, scollops, crab, lobster and prawns are highly nutritious. Seafood is generally a lean source of protein and a great source of zinc, iodine and selenium.
Grab some marinara mix from your local fish market and sauté in extra-virgin olive oil, garlic and fresh chilli. Toss through some high fibre pasta or zucchini noodles for the most divine, yet simple dish. Don’t forget to finish it off with a drizzle of lemon juice. Want another recipe? Try this one.
Cauliflower cupcakes
They’re literally the foulest thing you could ever eat. You will bite into them, expecting cupcake and all you’ll get is a mouthful of disappointment. Why put vegetables in cupcakes? What has the world come to? The same goes for broccoli cupcakes. No.
Real advice: If you like cupcakes, just eat them. Find a healthy balance and do what’s right for you. When I write weight loss meal plans they always contain my client’s favourite foods. Not their favourite food with pureed cauliflower hell added to it, just their favourite food. That way, they get to eat the food they like, without the guilt and all the long term results!
I have had success with adding beetroot and zucchini to desserts, however, they are still desserts and treated as such. Also, beetroot brownie makes your poop a lovely shade of purple/maroon. I thought it was cancer. Don’t google that.
Kale sandwich
I literally would never eat this. Never will there be time when I will grab two slices of bread and put kale between them and eat it. Why? Because kale is foul. It’s not meant for sandwiches. Don’t eat it like that.
Real advice: Green vegetables are fantastic sources of nutrition. All of them, not just kale, are superfoods and can promote health in your body. Think broccoli, English spinach, baby spinach, chard, brussels sprouts, zucchini, asparagus, Asian greens, salad greens, rocket, etc. They are good sources of fibre, vitamin C, folate and lots of other health promoting chemicals known as phytochemicals. Eat them every day.
Do you need help to know how to cook vegetables to make them taste awesome? Are you lacking inspiration in the kitchen? Check out The Healthy Eating Hub’s kitchen consultations and get in the kitchen with me or one of my team!
Creamed possum
I just made a decision, when I was younger, that I would not ever eat creamed possum. Deep down I just knew it was wrong.
Creamed possum, really?
Real advice: You may avoid food for ethical reasons and that’s completely ok. If you do remove a large number of food groups for ethical reasons, it’s worth checking in with a dietitian at The Healthy Eating Hub to make sure that your diet is meeting your needs. If you’re vegan, in particular, it’s worth educating yourself well on the key components of a well-planned vegan diet.
Uterus
I just feel… that baby making organs shouldn’t be eaten. I mean, think of all the hormones in it. Those hormones would wreak havoc with your system and make you grow man boobs.
Uterus – high in protein, but not your only option.
Real advice: I’m sure uterus is fine to eat. It’s most likely quite nutritious. If, however, you’re like me and happy to leave this foam tray of baby makers on the shelf, you can get lots of nutrition (protein, iron, vitamin B12) from other foods like chicken, turkey, pork, lamb and beef. I’m pretty sure this stir fry recipe will do just fine with the chicken in its ingredients list, without any need to break into the uterus market.
If you made it this far through the article, thank you. I don’t like articles that demonise individual foods and/or nutrients. It’s just not necessary. Yes, some foods are more nutritious than others, but when it comes to overall health, daily dietary patterns trumps individual foods every single time.
If you’re struggling with food anxiety or confused about what healthy eating might look like for you, please make an appointment to see myself or one of my team! We’ll find the healthy eating pattern that’s right for you!
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